so i ask him,
what do i owe you?
yeah, we need to talk about that.
well, what do you want?
i know i've said a couple things. i was going to charge you half of what i normally charge, then i was going to do it for free(he never mentioned this to me until now).
no. not free.i said.
.
i thought it would take an hour, but we're doing a lot.
.
yes.
how about...
...and he named the amount burning a hole in my pocket...
...and we'll just do what it takes.
great. because i can't accept this for free, it's too much.
he's planning on burning cds for me, and hosting my mp3s, etc. a lot. he doesn't think mastering will need to be done, but is willing if it does. i can't believe it. i'm astounded by his largess.
so, i'm slated to go back to the studio weds, for however long it takes, until the work is done. we'll be rerecording the first three tracks we laid down when i was uncomfortable, because they are three of my stronger poems, and they were very poorly performed.
it looks like i'll cut an hour long cd. which is probably not what others would have me do, but it is what i will do. it is what i want to do. i can see no reason not to. but i'm open to opinion, though many know i do what i want. amen.
but i need to pay something for this great kindness. i could never pay him what he's worth (at least not yet, but someday!). but some compensation is better than none. he makes his living at this. i must trust that when artists support other artists this makes art possible. even if it is merely creative exchanges, these are tangible to me. these are valuable. if i want to make a living at my art, i have to support other artists, that's the bottom line.
meanwhile, i'm flying high because my boss' boss came in and i finally had an notuncomfortable exchange with him. it's not that i try to be awkward, but i don't fill silences with bullshit.
so, there are lots of silences with me unless i have something to say to you.
it was an unexpected visit, which worked in my favor because i tend to overthink things. i tie myself up in knots and wonder why i struggle to find my footing conversationally.
he walked into the back room and i mentioned a few things to him. my ordering this past week seemed a bit much, but when i pointed it out to him, he said,
no that's fine. the weather is changing and you have to be ready.this is the line i get from everyone. but from him, i believe it now.
and i had a couple items in the store that needed to be accounted for and marked out of our inventory so we wouldn't get hit with variances on them. i pointed out this particular product that came in the canadian version and i didn't know what to do with it since the product wouldn't be marked out via the canadian sku.
he told me
you need to look at the manifests,i opened the drawer and produced them. he said my boss
would need to look up the cycle counts(which he did not know i do them all), and i opened the drawer and pulled out all the cycle counts. in two seconds produced everything he required to deal with the situation, and i looked up at him and said,
i'm the archivist.
wow.
i was a secretary in the past.
then, before he left, i mentioned to him that i've peaked at this store and i'd like more challenges. that i want to move up in the company, and leaving my store is probably the next thing i need to do.
right.he said.
.
we are thinking of new ways to challenge me, but i've pretty well met all the challenges thrown at me.
it makes sense to seek higher volume.he said. and he was lit up like a christmas tree.
.
yes. i live a mile from ... store, and talked to the manager.
right, we don't like to do it that way.
i know, but ... knows, and the manager didn't talk to me, i talked to her.
you see, i've done none of this on the sly. then he said to me,
there is another store that might be better for you.
i talked to ... already.(i think he was surprised at this, because when he walked in i knew exactly where the product he was carrying was from.
how did you know that?
.
because i was there looking through their overstock to see what i could keep from ordering.he smiled at that).
so the man knows i'm in the loop. he knows i'm getting around and reaching out to other stores. what will happen next is not up to me. but i called my boss as soon as i could and told him myself what went down.
you've been talking about it for a while.he said.
yes.
you see, i don't want to be where i'm at any longer. especially when certain people leave, i don't want to be there anymore. so i have to set things in motion, i have set things in motion, because i need new faces, new places to get in trouble.
and i felt a huge relief. the bullshit of my store is finally going to stop, because i won't take it with me. i'll be able to come in well boundaried and be the suzanne i know i am as a worker, and not the one i was when i arrived at my current place of employ. i was beginning to feel trapped and couldn't see a way out or a transition point.
plus i had many more revelations, like snippets of all kinds of conversations and scenarios had finally come together and made sense to me. i could see the big picture. and it ain't pretty kids. what's going down. i have to get distance, and i have to get it now.
interdistrict transfers are no problem,he told me.
.
i know it can't happen tomorrow,i told him,
but i'm ready. i need 40 hours though.
that won't be a problem.
i mentioned to him that i knew i was supposed to be in the assistant manager program come january, but the whole company changed.
yeah,he said.
and he pretty much left after that. i think good things will come of this. if nothing changes in my life, at least i'll have some new place and some new challenges. i've grown very comfortable in my current digs, but comfort isn't necessarily the best thing for me. especially in that context. i know there is more for me, and it's time to let the change come.
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