time to go back

i've had three days off, what have i done with those three days, watched an entire tv series on dvd which was quite good. i rested and did things that had to be done. fought with my friend. estranged myself. the usual.

so now i'm sitting here a mild headache that has been droning all day, and i am ready to go back to work.

it's odd, how i can't wait for a weekend and then do absolutely nothing productive with it. i had some thoughts about my manuscript, about the fonts and pagination, the layout and such, but that's as much as i've got.

i've read a couple poetry books but they didn't move me and i'm contemplating the larger questions as to what makes us want to read, what makes us respond to another's work. i'm beginning to think it's something as selfish as finding ourselves, finding our experience, finding something that makes some sound that echoes in the inner chambers of our hearts. because i can't find anything rational. i wanted to expose myself to more experimental poets and i'm doing that but i find the process in many ways frustrating because i just don't get it. why should i care about something that makes no sense.

but then, isn't that the same question being asked of my work on a smaller scale. on a line by line, word by word scale?

i was telling a friend about question marks in my manuscript, how i'm losing them all, and she shook her head and said,

wow.

these are serious considerations for me.

the way the words play on the page, even the font in which they are set, these are the stuff of poetry.

but is this minutia?

possibly. though my questions don't go away by dismissal. they must be acknowledged and so i will continue to wrestle with these questions. minor though they may seem, until i am satisfied with my decision.

ultimately, these are concessions in some cases, will i sacrifice a chosen serif font for a san serif if it means garnering a few extra pages for additional poems? if someone wants me to incorporate quotes will that detract from my final page count? these questions might be a blessing for someone struggling with not enough material, but that has never been my issue. i have, tend to have, too much material to fit into a book. so what to do?

if i am printing and binding something with my name on it, i would like it to be representative of my work, not just spat out for a credential, though we have previously established i do want this credential.

these are the times i feel i am alone on an island and wish for an artistic soul mate.

maybe my work is fraught with self import, but maybe, it isn't.

this is when i welcome the work week to take me away from conscious focus on my creative questions with a barrage of mundane menial tasks to occupy my time and mind.

work does have that benefit. it is a distraction if nothing else.