Sunday, April 17, 2011

where does sunday find you

i'm still in my pjs on my best friend's couch. she ran out to do something, and i'm whittling away at the minutia of my life. things that must get done at some point. calendar splayed beside me, poems stewing in my brain, projects to accomplish. it's all there, waiting for me. the thing about it is, it will get done when it gets done. for the moment, i want to sit and write.

i live my life with no expectation. i'm told this is a very evolved way to be. i'm not entirely sure how i maintain it, or how i arrived at it, it just is. i don't try to understand it, i'm just grateful for it.

now if i could stop acting out when i'm angry, since i've recently gotten back in touch with my anger, i'd sure love to find some way to deal healthily with my angry responses. how does one begin to process reaction. i'm not entirely sure. i've tried clipping the blue wires, and the green, the red one must be respected. and that the timer starts counting down again on occasion, troubles me. i've done all i know how to do to disable the destructive features of my life. but there is still that viable connection to anger. at least it's not rage anymore. though i do get hot sometimes, i don't rant like i used to.

trying to drive better too. sometimes, i think the things that happen are wakeup calls. we must heed them. my little fender bender was the universe saying,
pay attention.
so i shall try. to be present to my car, my driving, the way i am to the rest of my life. maybe this, too will help with the irritations i sometimes feel behind the wheel.

being humbled, as i was when i clipped the suv, i kept apologizing and wishing it could have been different. but all told, it was what it needed to be, i guess. i think all that happens is what need happen. for us to grow. to learn. to change.

i'm trying to be a mindful driver. it took a fenderbender for me to realize that.

i did acquire a piece of art this weekend, and it is leaning up against the table, i just can't stop looking at it. i guess that means it was meant to be mine.

the valkyries, warrior horsewomen of norse tradition. this is the kind of thing i want my daughter's eyes to glimpse every day. the kind of thing i want to see. it moves me, beyond words. that is what i call soulful art. one that inspires.

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