in session

why everything i write has that "group therapy" feel about it, i don't know. but i can tell you i am on the verge of tears and ready to meltdown emotionally. what joy it is to be me.

i fail, i let people down. how i want to live a clean, unsullied life, but i don't get to do that. i just have to keep moving forward. i wish i didn't hurt people so.

there is a line, from nouwen that says

we fall, we get up. we fall, we get up.

yes, that is it.

we are not an entity unto ourselves, but sometimes, i wish i could be around others without inflicting pain upon them. even inadvertent pain. that i could spare them the drama of knowing me. and having to deal with me. but, alas, i can't.

these are the times, i have to confess my sins and hope for forgiveness from them. these are the times, i have to lay down my pride and say, i blew it, again.

these are the times, i desperately need God. a powerful, Big God. to move. to breathe on me. because in this moment before i know whether or not anyone has actually forgiven me, or will (but that makes my friends out to be petty, and they most certainly are not. it must get wearying though, having to extend so much grace to me), these moments of uncertainty when i just have to come to the Father and weep.

that is my place of saftey. my haven.

this morning i was preparing to take my girl camping this weekend with a bunch of other girls, i had much to do. my pace was frantic because i hadn't done everything in preparation for this day that needed to be done.

but i sat down and read nearly all of a short nouwen book, because i needed that kindred spirit to still me before i launched into overdrive.

then, washing dishes, listening to don potter, i could feel my husband waxing anxious about a pending interview (the results of which i will not find out until after camping this weekend). my daughter didn't like her new pants (which she is ready to outgrow, but looks so cute in i "made" her wear them anyway). so she is breaking down emotionally, just before daddy's big interview phone call. i am washing dishes and praying,

this is not the time for this.

and i believe the Lord said,

you set the mood of your home.

meaning, they are reacting to your frantic spirit.

i mentally stopped cycling through the things that could go wrong, and said,

i will worship before i take my shower.

don potter said, that elijah when he was totally pissed off about something (i forget what), called for a minstrel to "clear his head."

so i sat down at the piano, minstrel to my home, and played a couple worship songs.

i can't say the earth trembled and shook, or the clouds parted. i told you, i'm a basket case right now (although recalling that moment has soothed me a bit), but i was able to worship God in the midst of my sometimes hyperdrive life.

i away to the busy-ness of my commitments today, but hope to be able to wander off into the woods and be in silence, re-creating silence (as foster calls it). where i can hear God speak afresh.