safe

just this morning in discussing many issues i've been struggling with, with a dear friend, i have come to understand myself to be in a place of safety.

one of the things that broke me when i opened nouwen's life of the beloved was his story about how the book came about. also, in lifesigns he speaks of having of safe prayerful place to write at l'arche.

i remember thinking, that's what i need, a safe, prayerful place to write.

i have that all ready.

there are four women who know my heart fully. there are at least five male friends who stand in defense of me and encircle me as a poet, my outer guard. these men do not have the access the women have, but that is how it should be.

these men are the intellectual giants who call me forth from my daily routines and get me thinking about chaos theory, poetry, workshops, lecturing, teaching. i find it interesting that the men, primarily have this occupation in my life.

my dear friend tells me not to make that distinction. and she is right. the women encircling me also call out the intellect, nurture the writer, and pray for the heart as well. their means are so much more personal, their methods so intimate. i sit in their kitchens and eat dinner with their families. the men have less of this kind of access, which is as it should be.

my husband, bless his soul, moves in and out freely, from these circles at will. the other morning when i was scarcely awake, i called him lord. i do not know that he heard it. but i did. it was the first time such an utterance had come from my lips and it was precious to me. i would almost rather he didn't know it, but i believe it will come again in waking moments. and he will know himself to be my lord. which is as it should be.

so when i think of a prayerful place to write, i am moved deeply by those who bear me up, both known and unknown, seen and unseen, friend and acquaintance, all. i have been struggling this past week and finally found some peace. i have been reckoning with a great many foes of the heart and mind, and have finally some peace there as well.

so i do have a safe place to write. i hadn't realized that place is my home. the nurturing, though it is not the tangible community i long for, is a Body of Christ moving beyond walls and limitations. nurturing through distance and calling forth the divine.

i am safe. you are safe. do you believe it?