Friday, February 03, 2006


if there were a prize for most things done wrong, i would probably win it. it seems like however much i try to do right, it goes south quickly.

this probably troubles no one more than my husband who has to deal with my shennanigans. but, hopefully, i am learning to recognize the dangers i am prone to.

last night i had a great many friends visit me, in my dream. old friends, those long resident in my heart. one of them carried me (i'm not very tall) and whispered words of kindness in my ear as he said goodbye. another latched arms with me and we walked, side by side (he was never much taller than me to begin with). a third had no words, but was simply present.

these friends came to me to bid me adieu, so i could release them forever. i awoke praying for the strength to do just that. to let go. to let them go.

i knew these friends to have been dearly loved by me once. i knew them to be visions of the things i cherish. people.

that they were all male was significant.

not until now have i found myself befriended by men who do not know my husband. and i find the situation strange. i don't really know how to deal with it.

just a few years ago i remember reading jerry jenkins hedges. an excellent book about walling in your marriage.

as i scan the horizon of my life, i find my hedges are in need of some tending. my alleigances defining. my friendships questioning.

these are not inward probing questionings, but a putting of them all at the feet of my husband and saying, decide. i submit. i will not cling to anything you tell me to release. and then doing it.

the doing it is the hard part.

my intentions, from what i can see, have been right. but the actions, the attitudes of the heart, the details that make up life seem to have gone wrong. and i am standing before God asking again to be made single-minded, single-hearted and to be restored.

one thing i understand, perhaps the only thing i understand, is how to run to God and hide. to take cover under the shelter of His wing.

but i so need a church body to surround me. a loving company of companions to challenge me. and a pastor to shepherd my soul.

seems those things are not on my horizon just yet. so i will wait. in honesty and longing, trust and hope, i will wait. for God to make things right.

No comments: