unique

i've recently written a chapter of a book with proper caps and neatly arranged arguments. when i read this chapter over the phone to a dear friend, she said,

i would like my daughter to read that.

i am contemplating finishing the book. it will likely never be published, but that hasn't stopped me yet. it is merely the story of my life.

i'm grappling with my poetry collection which i've been told does not house my best work. i thought and prayed about this sentiment, from one whose opinion i value. what i kept coming back to was,

does it have to?

i have said all along, i'm willing to be flawed if God can use my work to bless some one. one soul. not, i'm willing to be published if i can win a pulitzer or make the ny times best seller list.

i keep imagining myself standing before God and Him saying,

did you do what you were created to do?

and i want, with all my heart to answer

yes, Lord.

i do not think he will inquire after my publication stats. or my impressive (or unimpressive, rather) resume.

He does not judge with the scales of men, but with heavenly scales. so i kept asking,

is this God's wisdom or men's?

my dear friend wants me to be seen as a fine poet. and i am grateful for that concern. i know it is in my best interest to listen.

or is it?

i have never hidden my weak work. my imprecision. my lack of form or skill. i have laid it all out there to be seen. that is where i live. that is what i do.

the unwisdom of this approach will likely be mentioned by a few, but i don't listen to them. i listen to those dear souls who say, thank you. the one of ten, who return and say, you wrote something that blessed me. it is to them i pay heed. they have my ear.

i will never do things the right way. i think i've established that fact by now. but i will always try to be sensitive to the Spirit of God in my life.

this makes me shake to the core, because i was speaking with the friend who wants me to let her daughter read the yet unfinished book, and i told her,

i'm in a place beyond definition. i don't know what i once thought i knew. it is all wordless here. i have to write it down as i go because i can't wrap my mind around it.

this friend also told me, preceding the great news of this season, when i mentioned how i was falling apart--she said,

you are not falling apart. you are moving forward with God.

so my journal this season is peretz. the hebrew word for breakthrough. because the sun is finally punching through the clouds, and i will not turn away. i will stand in fear and trembling and endure the beams of God.