believe the bad

i've always said it, that line from pretty woman pretty much sums up my mentality,

the bad stuff is easier to believe.

so the sieve that is my mind will strain out the complement and keep the crap. what can i say, i'm broke. i keep trying to retrain my mind, but somehow, when another person is involved in the equation, it's not so easy. i keep looking at them thinking, just give it time. but then that's a fatalistic way of thinking, a way i'm trying to stop being. it just comes so naturally.

greeted at work the other day by one of the kids i adore, and he said,

i've missed your whining and your bad attitude.

which made me smile from ear to ear. and he smiled. then my tiny trainer chimed in,

and your abruptness!

and together we all laughed. i'd like for it to be a funny situation. my boss keeps telling me,

it's because it's true, it's funny.

but that isn't right. it's usually some mix of both, i guess. because i've always thought, if it's not true, it's funnier. the far out possibilities.

so i'm up, having done bloodwork at the lab, i'm going in for a physical. i feel great but i haven't seen the inside of a doctor's office for over a decade, so it's probably time. and i have to get all those horrible torturing of women tests done. can't wait for that. but i'm that age now.

that age.

what is, that age?

i don't feel old. i feel older. like i'm getting on, but i feel healthy. i think it has a lot to do with attitude. so i try to do good. god i suck at this, since i don't blog anymore, i'm just rambling on. let me tell you about my belly dance class on weds. it was the bomb.

i got there early, my instructor walked in and we perched on the rolled up wrestling mats lining the tiny auxilary gym. she is always good to talk to because she inspires me in my life. she's been down the failed marriage road, and tells me to do certain things (i didn't even think possible before she suggested them). so our classes are nice catch up times. we still have not gone out, i don't get to go out much, but that's okay.

the class starts filing in. and it's packed. they are always packed at first. i took my spot at the front of the class. it helps, i think, to have someone to watch when the instructor turns around and talks. so, i'm that girl.

a couple of high schoolers are standing in the front beside me, cute tiny little butts. but they are yammering on and my instructor told them to be quiet.

so we are doing all kinds of things, not easy things by any means, and she's very fast (not for me, but for a beginner). isolating the hips is not as easy as it appears. and for beginners, it's tough to punctuate a hip circle fluidly. that's the easiest way i can say it.

so we're doing choreography, and this semester that is my focus. i'm going to get the choreography down if it kills me. she doesn't do much of it, but i must attend to what she does. because for me, it's just enough to challenge me.

we did two horizontal hip circles in one direction, then the other, then two vertical hip circles toward the back, then toward the front.

now, young people tend to snicker at the way we have to do these things, because they aren't particularly comfortable with crouching into the seated position and thrusting the pelvis forward. then reversing the process. it's not easy, either.

so we did that for a while. then moved on to kicks, which the teens couldn't get. at the end of class they were asking me,

how long have you been doing this?

a couple years.

oh! stand by me next time.

(i was only two people away, it wasn't like i was in the back of the room). but i said,

you're young, you'll get it quickly.

so one of them stayed there with me and asked how to do the kick, because she couldn't get it. it's not the easiest move, and i realized how belly dance centers on a midline. for this kick, your knees trade off the midline position, the balls of your feet literally touch each other, and you pedal your heels. once you get the form down, you can get speed. not the other way around. it was tough, that was certainly heavily aerobic, and the class felt my instructor's wrath.

but i loved it. ached for days. i could feel muscles in my body that i've neglected, and that feels good. i mean, truly, when do you work out your thighs and buttocks? it's not an easy area to pinpoint.

i'm improving a lot too. so i'm doing what the instructor does, but adding my own shit in. and that is just how it's going to be. i can't go back. i have to move forward. she understands this, and i think the class will benefit from it in the long run.

she told me, last semester,

you dance really well, and the energy of this class is good.

i hope it's a productive semester. at least it will help me dance through my days and remind me of what matters. i tend to disconnect from my body still, unless i'm driving it, working it, dancing it.

i have a dear friend in orange county who has invited me to many belly dance things, maybe this semester i'd be up for performing something for a group of belly dancers. i don't know. not sure i'm there yet.

it oozes out of me though, like yesterday at work, and all last week. i can't help it. the kids laugh and we dance a little. so that's good.

i must away, work soon.

and an irresistable force later.