sssshhh!

i have a confession to make, and i can tell you because you're the soul of discretion. and no one can hear, it's just me telling you. leaning in, whispering in your ear. i like it that someone responds to what i'm wearing. that it gets noticed. that they say,

you look thin today.

that the blue polish on my toes and fingers gets met with approval and smiles. that they like my platform black sandals, though this is not why i wear them. neither is it because i'm so much taller with them on, a towering five two or three, to be exact. but they make me smile, and i think i return the favor. i'm not perfect by any means, they know this, i know this. but it's nice to have them there to appreciate what i can do well.

i got to play secretary a bit today, and that is a comfortable role for me. it comes so easily. so mindless to me. and so, i did it and enjoyed it. working on my day off again, i know, but we are in precarious times and i need to do what i can to help my store. it is the bigger picture i'm after here.

plus, my boss and i have a certain rapport which i enjoy.

he amuses me,

i told a manager from another store who commented on how i could run our store alone.

i wouldn't

i said,

he amuses me.

he makes me forget what i'm trying not to remember. or, reminds me of what i've forgotten, i'm not sure which it is. perhaps some of both. perhaps some of both.

and that he wants to talk to me about the breathtaking moments in my poems, not him, somone else. this pleases me deep down because it has been years, literally years earning this one's respect. and i do not take it lightly, the confidence of another poet. though to hear me tell it now, i do. i'll never change.

we're supposed to go out friday night. not him, someone else. and i hear,

you're dating.

and i say,

no.

but they don't believe me. and i don't know how to explain it so i don't try. it's not a date though. it's just a friend whom i've met. that's all i can say.

men are not supposed to be and certainly are not my prime motivators, but i do enjoy their company. always have. i hadn't realized there are so many variables. i guess i didn't have to realize it before. but now, i'm trying to think through things and be wise. to not make foolish decisions or impulsive decisions. as easy as it would be to be wild now, hedonistic as i once said, i can't. i'm not wired for that. it takes too much of a toll on me, and i'm still waiting for you. i'm always waiting for you.

so while i spend time in the company of others, now more men than ladies (so strange), i wonder where you are. i still leave the door unlatched and have a bag packed incase you decide to show up.