Monday, February 09, 2009

reacquainting silences

there is no sound, no noisy siren outside my window going off every night at 7pm and sporadically as people nearly off themselves or minor fires need abating. no police sirens as they zoom in and out, no early morning trash truck dumping the dumpsters in the adjoining lots, lids crashing as i sleep, or try to. no foot traffic, no buzz of cars or rumble of trains, bells gently tingling in the middle of the night. i always loved that sound, of all that was my favorite noise.

of all, i think i have too much time on my hands now. what i thought would be happening, is not. how many times i have said this. it makes me wonder why i plan at all (though, you know i don't plan, so it's a strange quandry for a non-planner such as i).

i just enrolled for another semester of belly dance. i need a diversion. a clan of women is a good one. the women i work out with still annoy the shit out of me, but i've been a top loser for months now. probably six months or so. i'm sure they are sick of me too. today i forced myself to go, and while i only lost one pound, the inches are what are melting away now, and that pleases me more than the pounds. it's one thing to stuff yourself, muffintop and all into your skinny jeans. it's quite another to have no alternative but your skinny jeans, the others literally fall off my hips now, and this gives me a perverse pleasure. perverse, only because i like the word. ;)

so, i've not changed. what a surprise. i'm frustrated by my constancy. my pettiness. my emotionalism (overly so, some might add). but without the outlet of words, these pressures become volcanic. and i blew last night. though i had no intention of it. and though i try not to.

what can i say. beware the lone poet who is not writing. i guess i'm like a cannon now in some ways. able to blow a hole through men who cross me. though i think i had this ability before, now i'm just not stemming the destruction, just letting shit fly. i guess because i have a lot on my plate. that is a likely excuse. but i'm trying so hard to behave, to be "on" at work. to be "happy" and make it "fun". i summed it up for a co-worker,
people want you to lie to them. and i just can't.


that's what it comes down to for me. though i know no one wants to walk in for a coffee and be bummed out, i just know i like to encounter genuine human emotion not some trumped up pseudomaniacal frenzy that they've mustered just for me. it allows me the option of compassion. (or, pisses me off, but that is my own issue).

so, the bottom line is, i will just have to suck it up and play nice.

i have to stop caring, being overly involved, concerned, whathaveyou for things beyond my control. this has always been my central issue. i have to reel it all in and establish some fucking boundaries and, well, i'm just finding it difficult at the moment.

so i'm trying not to vent, not to blow off steam in this way, but i know this is my outlet and i shouldn't neglect it, or shit happens. and it ain't good. all i can ask for is a little understanding.

the place where i park my car is a sheet of ice. i need to do something about it before i fall on my ass. i tell myself this as i navigate the slick, but do i, no. i keep taking my chances. lost my front license plate, not sure how. my girl thinks the sapling did it because i touch a sapling when i park up to this tree. and the sapling was getting mad about it, apparently. i'm grateful for the sapling because invariably i'd hit the tree if not for the sapling. but, and she's probably right, the sapling isn't too keen on being my bumper guard. what can i say, still having too many conversations with inanimate objects.

or are they?

i miss my bunny. held him yesterday. i know they plan on getting rid of him, but i'm trying to devise a means to have him by me so i'm not so horribly alone. i don't mind being alone, mind you, i just know having someone other than the meece will help me not be lonely.

i've made awful decisions in my life because of loneliness. and my entire marriage was an exercise in making right decisions while grappling with loneliness, i'm just trying not to be a...

phone call.

i must away. to quote a line from a favorite movie,
i must go where i am invited.


peace. out.

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