here is where i come

to lay them down, these thoughts, these burdens. to skim off the fat of pain and grief, and get down to the distilling liquer of life. whatever that means, i'm not sure. but i've missed it. being here. rambling though it may seem. i've not had inclination to pick up pen or peck at keyboard for sometime now. and while i lay in bed this morning, body aching all over from having been bedridden for two days, i mustered the strength to strip off the sheets, toss it all in the wash, and begin my day afresh. full of meds, but moving. that is something.

i'm not sure if we succumb to sickness more easily when we're sad of heart, or if the timing is just uncanny. but in my grief, i lay down and did not get up for two days. though i would have pried myself off any bed and gone to meet her. but she said,

no mom, not if you're sick.

and so i lay there in my haze and rested.

i was grateful for the reprieve because one need not go swimming when sick, it leads to worse sickness. but i miss her. and wonder along with my friends if there wasn't something else i could do? i can sum it all up so easily, make it stand upright and look pretty. make it make sense. but then, at those moments, nothing makes sense. and i have to ask myself, did you make the right choice?

and lying abed, alone, i still had to answer, yes.

i cannot see the good that will come of this. all i can see is the broken glass and blood trails from crossing over, but in time i won't recoil at the pain, i will find a way to function in spite of it. and it came to me today, that i would rather be absent in body and present in spirit, than present in body and absent in spirit. i grew up with detached parents and i can't do that to her. but it seems my only way back to attached engaged parenthood is by utterly and completely severing the ties and walking away. complete detachment.

convoluted and strange, i know. but it is what it is.

and i won't be able to put it into words for a while. i'm just feeling it now, living it. maybe in july when i start my mfa i'll find my way to some words. maybe then, i'll begin to understand what it means to articulate the choices i've made. at the moment, they descend like a cloud bank hovering over a mountain. and i can no more grasp them than make them leave. so i just walk through mist and shadow, trusting.

after all this, i still trust.

he said to me,

i don't trust you anymore.

which is fine, because i stopped trusting him ages ago. it just makes things more complex is all. and i'm not divorced yet, or even legally separated, just estranged as they say. and this is no comfort to me. this feels like i'm living a lie. i would like to be apart, away from him in name and deed forever. but won't be. i know this. as long as she is mine and his at the same time. we will be in the periphery of each other's lives. i had thought it would be different though. i'm naive. what can i say.

the snow flurries dance on the breeze and it's grown cold. the train whistles in the distance carrying so many where they need to go, and i am here, wondering where i'm headed. if my choices are sound and what comes next.

there are no wrong choices, i believe this. we must live with the consequences of any decision we make. it remains to be seen what will come of this, as so many other things. but i trust. that, perhaps, is my worst liability.

i stand, palms up and arms open, trusting it will be well.