comfortably numb

it's hard not to try to separate myself from the pain. but life is pain. anyone who tells you different is selling something.

i'm in a curious place where i'm not sure what to do, or how to go about doing it. i am just trying to be honest and move forward. (same old story, i guess)

went to get a manicure/pedicure today. i needed to be pampered a bit. i can feel how fragile i really am when i'm all alone, no one bolstering me. no one to survive. just me to look after, my desires to fulfill. it's curious. and i could miss it if i'm not paying attention.

but i crave nothing at the moment. i walk around the grocery and nothing appeals to me. i walk around the store, there is nothing i want or need. i have a few things on a list in my mind, but i don't feel like getting them so i'm making due. i don't want anything.

i needed my books though. in my frenzy to grab everything that mattered to me (and i still have one thing that i keep overlooking), i neglected my books, because they were "just my books" and i only had so much time and carspace. not to mention i'm in a studio not a sprawling ranch style home like in texas.

anyway, i finally have them. i've not yet unboxed them as i'm not sure where to put them, but they are there. it was prompted by being in the bookstore with a friend and i saw one of my books on the shelf. i opened it up and read a poem to him. i knew right then that i needed those books more than anything. i had to have them around me to help me through this. if for nothing other than the psychic comfort they provide.

and so, i do. i will have my girl a couple days next week, she has spring break. she's stoked because she's only been in school two weeks and has a week vacation coming. we plan on tracking down her horses, the ones we love, and going to visit them. they've been split up, and her instructor has changed barns a couple times since our last visit (my girl is still riding, but i'm not involved in that anymore because i'm not paying the instructor. sigh).

it matters more that she rides than i get to spend whatever time i desire around horses. and if i really desire to spend time with them, i can find some and go spend time with them. but i'm not there. it's too much to extend myself that way. i still have nothing to give.

all this from a pedicure. but as i'm sitting there being mildly pampered (it is by no means a spa experience), i am grateful for the small comforts i left my husband to maintain. he objected to pedicures. even to me buying fresh cut flowers. the man never understood me, i don't know how we even hooked up or why.

it's strange not having my girl with me, but the times we are together now are much, much better. i couldn't separate her out or protect her from the madness i was experiencing and feeling at that place, what we called our home in the loosest sense of the word.

but now, she is soundly apart from it all, and i'm grateful. she cried when i went to drop her off the other night. she's not used to it. neither am i. but what has to be is what is, and i'm grateful for the time to be close to her again.

i must away. i don't want to be here, and where i'm going i probably don't need to go but friends want me there and so i shall appear. i shall find my way into their arms and their eyes, if not their hearts.

peace.