frankenthesis

so i've roughly patched together about ninety percent of my paper. it is not the prettiest thing i've ever created, but it's mine. the arguments need to be strengthened, the flow eased, the poetry evaluated. there are two poems on my plate right now and while i was told to do certain things with them, i have to approach things my way. i don't know how else to function.

i genuinely wish i could adopt the tack of others. that i could write the way they do, produce what others would or seem to be wanting to read. but it seems to me we are in a master's program to demonstrate mastery of something. if i don't take this opportunity now to articulate my theory, my own process, when will i ever have the chance again. i know that sounds overly dramatic but it is my genuine question, the one i came into the semester lamenting when i was going to forego my paper for the internship. but then, got the opportunity to focus on the paper again. there is a plan. a higher purpose. do i know it, can i see it, no. i'm still stumbling along as through a fog. but i do believe.

my best friend tells me i am fighting unnecessarily. but for me, i don't know how to give ground on this. my opinion on creative matters is all i have. and it keeps coming back to me, that i have mastered this process by which i write, and so i need to articulate it. or at least try.

meanwhile, the drama of court continues and i try to focus whatever i can on getting it done. mostly, i'm at the carrying blank papers around and trying not to think about it stage, but that luxury will soon come to an end. for me, this court deadline is not as pressing as articulating something creative on the page. my whole semester depends on it. and when it's time to write, like now, i must let everything else ride.

am i gambling, taking chances unnecessarily. yes and no. i gamble as part of my process. i trust my way through my writing. it is always a gamble. i always come to a paper deadline and say,

this may be the time my process fails me.

but after seventeen years of this process, i am gaining confidence in it. i trust it. it has not let me down. was this last performance stellar, no. absolutely not. but i did accomplish something. i sorted through a lot of peripheral issues and got down to the meat of my paper. that is what counts. will that reflect in my grading, well, we are not traditionally graded. and i am, in some ways, expecting some heat from this, but i will trust that it will be well. that my paper, my semester, my program will work out.

i have had to find the right balance of rest, play, work, writing, reading, and creative indolence. i can force my mind through so many things, but then i'm just demanding it perform. it becomes the mouse on the wheel, the donkey tethered to the grindstone. so, i've been experimenting with silence again. letting my mind breathe as i have been suffocating in the ideas of others.

do i want to fight, to battle my way through things. no, of course not. i wish i were easy, that i could be a joy to my professors and the people in my life. but mostly, i am just me. i trust it will be well. that which needs to happen, does. i believe this.

i also know that which is mine will come to me. it always has, it always will.

now, to hook this frankenthesis up to a lightening rod and flip the switch. that is where i'm at.

tyred

i try not to say it,

i'm tired.

because then it seems to drain me more of what little i may have at the moment.

so, i won't say it. i'll just press on.

got my packet back. she says things about my beautiful mind. i understand what i did, the angle i am taking is not expected. but that is who i am. i have to risk it. or i would not be me.

i have much yet to do. many personal obligations and such but that is not an excuse. i am not making excuses. we are in this process to learn, to grow, to challenge ourselves.

do i know how my process will bring this all together? no. i never know. but i trust it. that is all i have. trust.

in the face of some serious questions, i have only trust.

do i wish i could write like other writers, of course. at times, when charting progress and making headway are tangible ideals. but mostly, i have to just abandon myself to my best effort. to try. if i blow it, i blow it. so be it.

it will not be lack of trying that stops me. i will do this.

the acceptability factor is always a question. one i cannot answer now. nor need i ponder long, since, i am not the one who decides what is to be and what isn't.

i know only what is.

naughtenuf

i will be the first to tell you i'm a hopeless romantic. that i believe love can conquer anything. vanquish any foe.

yet i have just come to understand that i have been wrong.

the gravity of this revelation is what stuns me now. how i held out for love, hoped in it, wished for it, trusted it.

but it is not meant to be so. there are some things love simply cannot remedy.

hell, i know this first hand, i'm in the middle of a messy divorce. i'm struggling to keep my head above water. why would i even dare dream of love now?

because i'm a fool and always have been.

my daughter said to me today,

text her and ask.

no. i can't.

i told her, and i tried to tell her why, but resorted to,

i'm mad at her.

though i'm not.

no, i love her,

doesn't make any sense. i can't explain the foolishness of it.

so i have said, as i will say,

i love her and wish her well.

for me this is not about right and wrong. good or bad. it is simply what is. and what is not meant to be.

i am a fool, i understand this. but even a fool knows when it's time to leave.

censor me

one of the things i don't do well is censor myself. lately, i have been deleting more than i've been posting. that's not me and i think the problem is i'm thinking too much. about how it will sound, how it will look, better if i just don't contemplate any of that and do what i do. it has gotten me this far, not tending to the who's of it all. but lately, i've turned my attention to things that are not naturally my domain. this is problematic.

stop thinking about what i think, and what she'll say.

she said.

and she's right. i just have to write. like i've always done.

i am not the kind of writer that thrives on attention. better to tunnel my own path through the underbrush and end up where i will than announce myself.

a friend said to me last night,

come back on land pisces

because i was wafting away in the current of emotion.

try to say it, in even tones, without emotion

she counseled me

in many ways, it's easier for me to attempt to fly. and so i come here, uncertain in all areas and say again, i have no idea what or how this means or ends, but i'm still at it. still giving it my best shot. and hoping, believing, trusting, it will be well.

that which i need will come to me.

i believe this.

fierce

i hadn't intented to miss her so fiercely. she'd be gone, then come back, i'd be skipping along in my life. she'd be impressed at my ability to handle absence. but it was not to be so. i had, arguably, the worst day i've had in a long time. granted, i'm an emotional person, but this was rough. there are so many things pulling on me now, so many details to sort out, and miss none, that sometimes, it gets hard to remember why i'm doing what i'm doing. how it's possible. because mostly it's not. and i finally said to her,

everything i believe is bullshit.

and i could not be convinced otherwise.

but i've emerged from the depths of that place, and am finding that while things are still bad. there is hope. there is always hope. i wish i could, like thich nhat hahn advises, kill hope. but i can't. so i don't try anymore.

the thing about it is, we are guided. what we need arrives just in time.

and it is this hope, that i cling to now.

i have a packet to write, and mostly, i'm lost in the words swirling around in my head from so many books.

stop reading,

she says,

and write.

and so i will. i will do that now.

i just hadn't expected to miss her so.

working out

i'm not sure how it's going to come together, but i am trusting that it will. my love is on a plane as i write, and i am doing laundry, being the domestic goddess i pretend to be on occasion.

i didn't have money for back to school clothes for my kid. i wasn't sure how to make it happen, so i kept waiting. i kept asking for her patience. we acquired the had to have stuff, but she needed more. i didn't want her to feel uncomfortable, and fortunately, her dad arrived and bought her new converse, a back pack, the real noticeable stuff. plus, the real expensive stuff. and i just kept asking her to wait.

so, slowly, bit by bit, as my grams would say,

poquito por poquito,

we acquired enough to get her started.

yesterday, we hit the motherload. hot topic is having a killer sale. i'm so grateful.

she looks so cute, she's found her style. we wear the same clothes and shop at the same store. which i find comical. i refuse to let her buy concert shirts for bands she doesn't know, so it's kind of a music appreciation lesson at the same time. what can i say, ever the homeschooler.

so, she is safely tucked in bed after staying up all night (until probably six this morning), and i am going to try to finish up the stuff distracting me, and hopefully get my car back in time to ride gloriously in to work. otherwise, i'm hoofing it to the train and walking home after midnight. such is life.

it's gotten marvelously chilly. i'm grateful for the weather change.

there is so much yet to do. i'm not sure how it will all come together but i trust that it will.

these trials make us stronger.

and i enfold her in my wings, and she rests safely now, and we have a home of our own.

she looked at me with a giant smile yesterday all dressed up with her pleated black elizabeth tripp skirt complete with handcuffs, her thigh high socks and mary janes, with her social distortion shirt, and she said,

i've finally become you, and that's not such a bad thing.

your dad is going to flip when he sees you,

i keep telling her.

she just smiles.

i keep meaning to get the last of what she needs to dye her hair purple. but it is not at the top of my priority list. mostly because it will be messy. i'm a cool mom in some respects, but i can't imagine what a mess that will make.

delightful mess

today my horoscope said i was lucky, that my pollyanna attitude is what will get me through but with jupiter in pisces for the remainder of the year i'm good to go in that department, i've got luck on my side.

appears so.

there were so many collusions of fate today, so many blessed obstacles, it's hard to even comprehend them. yet, i am home, safe and warm with a very happy child in the next room.

everything i love is safe at the moment. that is all that matters. i remind myself of this often.

for i understood today, that even with all the challenges, the creative financing of my life, the need for providence to actually kick in and grace to suspend my credit a bit further, that even with all those potential dead zones, i am still grateful to be here in my life today. and that is saying something.

she's reminded me of so many things i've forgotten. we've talked a lot about our pasts, as writers are inclined to do, being read these things come up. and she's reading me. poor thing, she said,

every time i see you, you give me a new book.

and it's true. i had forgotten how many manuscripts i've accumulated over the years. so she is wading through my words. slowly.

i can't blame her, there are other writers in her life. not just me, but she said tonight,

we like each other's writing.

and i said,

yes, that helps.

i devour what she writes, because it is compelling. damn good. i say. and i don't say that lightly.

i'm going to go to bed and believe it will all be well, because i trust, and know it will be. every single bit of it is conspiring toward goodness for me.

and i told her,

i am waiting for you in october.

but the truth is,

she is also waiting for me.

i will turn in my packets on time and surpass expectation, because that is what i do.

i'm grateful, for all of it. even the challenges. they help us grow.

it's not going to be easy,

she said to me once.

it's not about ease,

i replied,

it's about growth.

and i still believe that.

take no note of him

my back aches. i'm trying to concentrate, to focus on my work at last. i've paid the bills, done the laundry, made dinner, received my child home and signed the requisite first week of school forms, i've ensured no check will bounce this week, and now i'm finally in a chair, with my computer attempting to focus.

but my back feels like i've got a knot in it.

i'm going over my professors words trying to ingest them, so many words. more books. i've ordered them, requested them, and they will arrive, and add to the mounting piles all around me. it feels like i just shuffle and reshuffle books, finding no rhyme or rhythm to the dance. it's all thumbs jutting out and erratic movement. so much for style.

meanwhile, there is much to do, endless details to keep track of, life details. and i wonder how i did it every semester before now (i've been in school with only one semester break for the past three years now. i'm getting tired).

it feels like it will never end. and i try to remember, i'm halfway through my master's program. don't fail now. don't fall down on the course now. keep getting up if you do fall down. keep trying. because that's the best i can do. keep trying.

it occurred to me last week that if i give up on myself, all is lost. if i stop believing i can do this, if i stop challenging myself and demanding i perform, i will. i've accomplished much of late, but there is much yet to do.

i try not to look down the road, looking back is little consolation. i just have to do the task at hand. accomplish something.

and when my back starts roaring, or my arms throbbing, i rest them. take a nap. my feet have been pounding, and i have to get more shoes. always more shoes.

but that's okay. i need to take care of myself. if i don't who will.

so, when my back demands i take a break, i try to ignore it at first, then yield.

perhaps it's right. i do need to stop now and again, and just rest.

there is just so much to do.

yet, i know i can accomplish only one thing at a time. this moment, my back takes precedence.

balancing acts

while i have a judgment in my favor, that is all i have. the juggling continues. today wasn't so bad. last night i had trouble reeling my mind back in when it would veer off into unseemly terrain. but then, i was reminded of the park.

the park represents a lot of things in my life. first of all, i had no phone with me, which was nice. i looked at them and said,

you're with me, and you're with me. i don't need my phone.

i left the phone at home. that felt really good.

then, when it turned out i could have used my phone as my child went wandering off, i had them exchange numbers, which also felt very good.

we sat on a bench and talked. looked at the swans and ducks, the geese and pigeons. a very normal day for me. the kind of day i love to spend admiring beauty of all kinds.

we sat there for a while, and then drove home. we retrieved the chairs from the part of the yard that was shady in the morning, because the shade had shifted to the porch. so we sat on the porch and talked.

even when we didn't talk, it was good to just be there. to be silent together. which is how we spend some time.

i came home and it all rushed back in on me, my life.

i've decided, i have to focus. to force myself to accomplish this semester as i have all the previous semesters. no one can make me do it except me. and while i have no intention of blowing it, i have a lot of things coming out of the woodwork and distracting me. focus is essential when i can muster it. before it was late at night.

here, not so much. and early mornings the kittens are so cute and distracty. the finches catch my eye. it's all so lovely. that it seems i'm going to have to go away from here and study. my life is herky jerky with demands, and i'm having a hard time balancing.

but i will, because i must.

i must finish this semester and write a banging paper.

i must make ends meet a few more months as relief has been stymied somewhat by his refusal to pay.

i must scrape by just a little longer, because the floodgates of abundance are opening to me, and i will soon need more friends to give the excess to.

i must believe. continue to believe that i can do this.

and i'm grateful she's there to remind me.

let me stay here awhile

there is something to be said for knowing how to leave. i do it well. i can feel when a time has ended (or at least when i'm through). everything in me flatlines and i look to the horizon. i move on. but usually the disengagement has begun sometime before, in this case, a year plus before.

the buddhists say,

once the decision is made there is no struggle.

i have found that always to be so. i labored over that decision, put off making it for a year, an entire year. until, at last, i could not bear it any longer. by then, i was done. everything had gone dry. there was no unused reserve to draw upon. it was time, some would say (in fact, many have, past time). and so, when the time came it was effortless. leaving for me, usually is. aside from all the practical bullshit. the actual dismantling of lives together. that is effortless for no one, i'm convinced.

what i want to learn now, is how to stay. to settle in. to engage in the lives of those around me with no intention of leaving. like i do with my child. i will not be parted from that one, even if miles separate us some day. i will be in her life. regardless.

but i'm speaking here of a quality of engagement i've not acquired in my life.

driving around her neighborhood with her mom, they pointed out where she grew up. basically the same town. i have never known anything like that. i've been a nomad my entire life. perhaps this is my nature, my ancestry. but i don't think so.

i'm pueblo. village dwellers. adobe and such. cultivators.

i'm stumped by it, really. i guess, being that up until 1998, i averaged a home every two years, it might be more than just my will at play here. i was not the decision maker in most, if not all of those instances of moving, though i did move a few times of my own accord when i was a teen and going to college. i jumped ship on my ex a while ago, and now have lived in two different places.

my heart still aches for roots.

my neighbor, whom i love, said to me recently,

you come and go. staying largely apart from the dramas that go on here.

and i do, it is how i live, on the move. but she said,

i have to be here.

i understand that. or want to.

mind you, i've never been happier. never experienced more joy, more freedom than now. the thing about it is, i want to experience it with those i love. but what does that mean. my family is on the west coast. i cannot live there, they irriate me (and likely, i them). so, the world is my orphanage, i am free to roam and call wherever i choose, my home. the only thing is, i have this little girl, this fellow wanderer beside me. i don't want to disrupt her life, (though i already have) the way mine was disrupted. though this past weekend when we were laughing and enjoying ourselves and our host, it felt good.

she has you, that's all that matters,

i'm told.

it would seem selfish of me not to consider the ramifications of relocation on her, but at the same time, i can't not move forward because my little one has friends at school. though i hate for her to lose connection, life happens. that cannot be avoided. in fact, sometimes the good must be sacrificed for the best.

she's starting high school next year and i hope to be somewhere she can do all four years without disruption. that's not too much to ask, is it? to see her through an entire run of one school?

i tell her,

sometimes a fresh start isn't so bad. it's helpful. you can be anyone you want.

and you can. i understand this, i have done it my entire life.

but there is never that certainty of knowing a place. a land. a home.

that, i would not know.