fierce

i hadn't intented to miss her so fiercely. she'd be gone, then come back, i'd be skipping along in my life. she'd be impressed at my ability to handle absence. but it was not to be so. i had, arguably, the worst day i've had in a long time. granted, i'm an emotional person, but this was rough. there are so many things pulling on me now, so many details to sort out, and miss none, that sometimes, it gets hard to remember why i'm doing what i'm doing. how it's possible. because mostly it's not. and i finally said to her,

everything i believe is bullshit.

and i could not be convinced otherwise.

but i've emerged from the depths of that place, and am finding that while things are still bad. there is hope. there is always hope. i wish i could, like thich nhat hahn advises, kill hope. but i can't. so i don't try anymore.

the thing about it is, we are guided. what we need arrives just in time.

and it is this hope, that i cling to now.

i have a packet to write, and mostly, i'm lost in the words swirling around in my head from so many books.

stop reading,

she says,

and write.

and so i will. i will do that now.

i just hadn't expected to miss her so.