Saturday, September 04, 2010

balancing acts

while i have a judgment in my favor, that is all i have. the juggling continues. today wasn't so bad. last night i had trouble reeling my mind back in when it would veer off into unseemly terrain. but then, i was reminded of the park.

the park represents a lot of things in my life. first of all, i had no phone with me, which was nice. i looked at them and said,
you're with me, and you're with me. i don't need my phone.
i left the phone at home. that felt really good.

then, when it turned out i could have used my phone as my child went wandering off, i had them exchange numbers, which also felt very good.

we sat on a bench and talked. looked at the swans and ducks, the geese and pigeons. a very normal day for me. the kind of day i love to spend admiring beauty of all kinds.

we sat there for a while, and then drove home. we retrieved the chairs from the part of the yard that was shady in the morning, because the shade had shifted to the porch. so we sat on the porch and talked.

even when we didn't talk, it was good to just be there. to be silent together. which is how we spend some time.

i came home and it all rushed back in on me, my life.

i've decided, i have to focus. to force myself to accomplish this semester as i have all the previous semesters. no one can make me do it except me. and while i have no intention of blowing it, i have a lot of things coming out of the woodwork and distracting me. focus is essential when i can muster it. before it was late at night.

here, not so much. and early mornings the kittens are so cute and distracty. the finches catch my eye. it's all so lovely. that it seems i'm going to have to go away from here and study. my life is herky jerky with demands, and i'm having a hard time balancing.

but i will, because i must.

i must finish this semester and write a banging paper.

i must make ends meet a few more months as relief has been stymied somewhat by his refusal to pay.

i must scrape by just a little longer, because the floodgates of abundance are opening to me, and i will soon need more friends to give the excess to.

i must believe. continue to believe that i can do this.

and i'm grateful she's there to remind me.

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