Thursday, September 30, 2010


so i've roughly patched together about ninety percent of my paper. it is not the prettiest thing i've ever created, but it's mine. the arguments need to be strengthened, the flow eased, the poetry evaluated. there are two poems on my plate right now and while i was told to do certain things with them, i have to approach things my way. i don't know how else to function.

i genuinely wish i could adopt the tack of others. that i could write the way they do, produce what others would or seem to be wanting to read. but it seems to me we are in a master's program to demonstrate mastery of something. if i don't take this opportunity now to articulate my theory, my own process, when will i ever have the chance again. i know that sounds overly dramatic but it is my genuine question, the one i came into the semester lamenting when i was going to forego my paper for the internship. but then, got the opportunity to focus on the paper again. there is a plan. a higher purpose. do i know it, can i see it, no. i'm still stumbling along as through a fog. but i do believe.

my best friend tells me i am fighting unnecessarily. but for me, i don't know how to give ground on this. my opinion on creative matters is all i have. and it keeps coming back to me, that i have mastered this process by which i write, and so i need to articulate it. or at least try.

meanwhile, the drama of court continues and i try to focus whatever i can on getting it done. mostly, i'm at the carrying blank papers around and trying not to think about it stage, but that luxury will soon come to an end. for me, this court deadline is not as pressing as articulating something creative on the page. my whole semester depends on it. and when it's time to write, like now, i must let everything else ride.

am i gambling, taking chances unnecessarily. yes and no. i gamble as part of my process. i trust my way through my writing. it is always a gamble. i always come to a paper deadline and say,
this may be the time my process fails me.
but after seventeen years of this process, i am gaining confidence in it. i trust it. it has not let me down. was this last performance stellar, no. absolutely not. but i did accomplish something. i sorted through a lot of peripheral issues and got down to the meat of my paper. that is what counts. will that reflect in my grading, well, we are not traditionally graded. and i am, in some ways, expecting some heat from this, but i will trust that it will be well. that my paper, my semester, my program will work out.

i have had to find the right balance of rest, play, work, writing, reading, and creative indolence. i can force my mind through so many things, but then i'm just demanding it perform. it becomes the mouse on the wheel, the donkey tethered to the grindstone. so, i've been experimenting with silence again. letting my mind breathe as i have been suffocating in the ideas of others.

do i want to fight, to battle my way through things. no, of course not. i wish i were easy, that i could be a joy to my professors and the people in my life. but mostly, i am just me. i trust it will be well. that which needs to happen, does. i believe this.

i also know that which is mine will come to me. it always has, it always will.

now, to hook this frankenthesis up to a lightening rod and flip the switch. that is where i'm at.

No comments: