take no note of him

my back aches. i'm trying to concentrate, to focus on my work at last. i've paid the bills, done the laundry, made dinner, received my child home and signed the requisite first week of school forms, i've ensured no check will bounce this week, and now i'm finally in a chair, with my computer attempting to focus.

but my back feels like i've got a knot in it.

i'm going over my professors words trying to ingest them, so many words. more books. i've ordered them, requested them, and they will arrive, and add to the mounting piles all around me. it feels like i just shuffle and reshuffle books, finding no rhyme or rhythm to the dance. it's all thumbs jutting out and erratic movement. so much for style.

meanwhile, there is much to do, endless details to keep track of, life details. and i wonder how i did it every semester before now (i've been in school with only one semester break for the past three years now. i'm getting tired).

it feels like it will never end. and i try to remember, i'm halfway through my master's program. don't fail now. don't fall down on the course now. keep getting up if you do fall down. keep trying. because that's the best i can do. keep trying.

it occurred to me last week that if i give up on myself, all is lost. if i stop believing i can do this, if i stop challenging myself and demanding i perform, i will. i've accomplished much of late, but there is much yet to do.

i try not to look down the road, looking back is little consolation. i just have to do the task at hand. accomplish something.

and when my back starts roaring, or my arms throbbing, i rest them. take a nap. my feet have been pounding, and i have to get more shoes. always more shoes.

but that's okay. i need to take care of myself. if i don't who will.

so, when my back demands i take a break, i try to ignore it at first, then yield.

perhaps it's right. i do need to stop now and again, and just rest.

there is just so much to do.

yet, i know i can accomplish only one thing at a time. this moment, my back takes precedence.