come passion

i'm not the coldhearted bitch i play on tv. sometimes, i actually have soft spots. one of my customers is a mess, and well, i do what i can. will it bite me in the ass, perhaps. who knows. but i trust that when we act in kindness, kindness is returned. not that the return is what i seek, but i have to try. i can't just watch someone go down in flames without trying to figure something out.

when he came in today, his demeanor was clearly downcast.

do you need a chat?

sure.

his slightly dejected reply did not phase me, he's going through a rough patch.

so i get my coffee and sit. he talks, about much the same stuff he's said before, though there are some new developments. i listen, and try to remain objective. but it's not hard when one is just listening. not invested.

would you ever get married again?

never.

i reply.

i would.

he says. this is perhaps his greatest struggle.

find what makes you happy, and do that.

then he tells me what she's called him, and it's not nice, but i encourage him to reframe it and not let it be a millstone around his neck.

he seems less dejected as i leave for my lunch.

at least slight improvement is better than none. i can't not do anything for someone obviously flailing in pain. however objectionable the container is.

this is not a customer i "like" as it were. it's just someone in need of help. someone who needs someone to treat them like a sentient being. i can do that. it is the least i can do.

and my motivational speaker had just left the building. the guy who asked me what i'd do if it all came together for me. today his questions were extended over about ten minutes while we exchanged ideas and i encouraged him to write them down. he makes me think.

he mentioned we only use 2-4% of our conscious brain. the rest is subconscious. he listened to my myriad questions and said,

you're trying to force your way to some resolution.

not necessarily,

i said.

i'm just a question asker. a why person. acutely aware of what i don't know. and i'm fine with ambiguity.

his vigorous questioning led me to say,

is this it?

he said,

that means you are unfulfilled. you want more.

absolutely.

more of what?

i don't know.

when i stopped trying to figure it out consciously, doors opened, things happened.

(his description sounded similar to where i'm at, what i do, though i contemplate things in writing because that also is what i do).

that is evidence that you're trying to manufacture a conclusion to the dilemmas you face (my words, not his. his were more elegant).

my lunch is nearly spent, but these are the days at work i enjoy most. when there are real people with real things to say, who take the time to interject themselves into my life. i appreciate that. even the messy ones. even the ones that try my patience (though i won't admit that at the time), in their own fucked up little way, they are trying to be present.

i awoke before my alarm today, which is just the excitement of the occasion. i'm ready for this, i was born ready for this.

i said to my friend,

i'm solid.

but i never really explained it. perhaps i didn't need to, it just felt complete. as i feel complete now. i'm trusting the doors that need to open will, the stuff that needs to fall away, will. that tonight will be as i envision it, and that regardless of what the future holds, it will be bright.

time to go, then to the train and the city for my reading...gods favor me.