i dun it.

well, it was tough, but it's through. i'm tired. i need a vacation somewhere. i need to remember how to be alone in my own space. there are a lot of things on my plate right now, none of them need be told in public. but i always do.

it came to me today, the truth is the most frightening of all. many people cannot bear it. but i would rather have the truth, brutal, painful as it may be, than a lie. anyday.

don't spare me any pain for kindness, just let me have it. that's all i ask.

so i've got to refocus my life, back on the things i've neglected of late, working out for one. got my diploma in the mail today. which was perfectly timed, i'd felt adrift again. lost.

and, this reminds me of where i have been, where i'm headed. i can't lose the ends to the means. i think i risk that regularly.

and i also still believe there are no wrong choices, no bad choices, only the choices we make and the consequences that follow.

will i always be impulsive and fast paced, yes, absolutely.

i need someone who can keep up with me. so far, that has only ever been one person. and so, i must press on and keep moving forward. one foot, they say.

i took the train to my last feature in nyc, i can do it again. i have to abandon myself to fear to being alone, to whatever it is that is daunting. (though it isn't really, it just feels different in this quasi-separated place i find myself).

i don't like that i have loose ends in my life, but there are legitimate reasons for them, and i must take care of myself now, before all. and so i shall.

bought a dozen roses to replace the faded blooms a dear soul from work gave to me. i think it a fitting tradition, to lavish these things upon myself. i have to find what matters most and do that.

i can't remember where i was headed or why, i need to determine that.

i have a window of time here, a moment. an inhalation. i must seize it. excise the wound. knowing it is the door where the god comes.

these mistakes, if i can call them that, though i call them that not because it is how i feel truly represents what they are, but because they are not the path i am going down, if that makes sense--these mistakes have helped me to clarify what i want. what i need. something closer to where i came. but next time, perhaps the encounter will be timed properly.

it also came to me today that i don't linger at crossroads long. our lives intersect and i'm halfway gone before i realize it. so much so others. i have to let them go. they cannot linger past their time either. so be it. it was a nice encounter, that's all i can say, i've no regrets. no pain. just fondness.

but i have to walk away. and so i will.

my sister tells me, reminds me,

people will tell you exactly who they are, you just have to listen.

yes,

i said.

knowing i have made it explicit who i am. all of me. frailties and strengths combined. there is no one else living in me to pretend to be. i am the mess you see before you, but i will at least be honest about it. i've come to understand my needs acutely.

i had not experienced such willingness before. that was nice. i should like to have it come again.

and so it will. that which is mine will come to me. i believe this.