KEEP OUT!

i'm debating on pulling in the welcome mat and barring my heart back behind walls. it's too painful, too confusing and i don't need this right now.

this, all while it's still "good" "new" "fun"

i am a downer.

what can i say. i want to be beholden to no man. none. not one single one. yet, my life seems ripe with them, and that needs to, has to change.

i am feeling the urge to make a drastic change, take action, but i'm not sure if it's a plain and simple case of self-sabatoge. it may well be. that being said, what do i do? there are legitimate, very legitimate reasons why i doubt now. why i fear.

do i give those reasons precedence?

i do not do well in this context. i hate that i'm high needs in so many ways, but perhaps it's better to see this now. to know what i want, what i need, than to pretend it is not what it is.

besides that, i've got a lot of exciting things coming up and i can easily be distracted. i think that is what i need to do. hole up my heart and distract myself. to reel it all back in and do without.

is this sabatoge? it may well be.

i do not deny it. but i cannot walk blindly into something that is, at the outset, simply confusing me.

i don't need more confusion by any means.

i think it's time for me to walk away.