where it's at

fresh out of work, need to decompress, here's as good a place as any (or perhaps worse if you care what people think, since i don't. it's fine).

my boss is finally giving me the opening shifts i've coveted and leveled a challenge,

if you don't perform to this expectation, you're done.

(meaning, you'll close).

there is a double standard to be sure, but he's giving me what i want, i do my best to return the favor. today, i made it. though my crew wasn't really on board, when i told the one kid whom i adore the lowdown, he seemed to not object too much. i've always let him do what he needed to do, whenever it needed to be done. but i don't know the morning routine yet (or, i haven't established my own morning routine yet), so i told him

i would on any other occasion, but i can't today.

lots of reasons. he understood. i'm trying, that's all i can say.

you see i'm all about fully supporting those who work hard for me. i will go to extreme lengths for them, i think they understand this and reply in kind, or at least give me the best they've got. that's all i can ask for. i don't ask for anyone to work harder than i do. ever.

so, when i'm bitching about things not getting done by the morning shift, you better believe today when i left there was no, absolutely not one single carry over item that i did not handle. those i-s were dotted and those t-s were crossed. amen.

i have to be better than perfect at this am thing, because i don't think i'll get too many chances if i screw it up. people are generally unforgiving and when it feels like a couple key players are just waiting for me to screw it up, the pressure is on. i'm ready.

so i close only about twice a week now, and that seems about right. i get a lot of administrative bullshit done the rest of the week, stuff that was getting missed before, so i know that helps. but it's tough having your hand in every pot, and i try to not be "controlling" but then when i don't press issues, we miss shit.

i discussed an issue with my boss and we opted to let him handle it when he returned, instead of right then by me. he forgot. we missed it. i told him,

i wasn't pressing the issue because i wasn't being controlling.

this is not helpful in the scheme of things. so i keep pressing issues now, hopefully not to extremes but i'm definately asking him questions and covering his ass, that is my job. perhaps not by description, but it is the commitment i've made. that man will not fail on my watch.

i feel this way about every boss i work for, even the shitty ones. my boss is far from perfect, but far from shitty. he's a perfect compliment for me. and i'm grateful. but i'm a dedicated soul. i will put up with tons of bullshit until i'm done, and then i'm gone. there's no return from that place for me.

we skirted that issue nearly because i'd had it with the dramas going on in our store and i just wanted out. of course there were other reasons too, but that was the major one. my boss essentially said,

you don't cut off your right arm.

and so he is doing what he can to keep me around.

which makes me happy. because i'm tired of being shat upon for working hard. i feel like i work the hardest at our store and get nothing but grief for it. i'm done with that. now it's time to let others bear some of the burden as well, i just haven't seen many step up yet. not sure when or if that will or can happen.

but when i answer my phone at 6am, and it's my boss calling me in early, he's grateful i've got his back. it's the least i can do. i need my job.

i had a lovely day yesterday. the sun was shining, i pulled my linen shorts and tank out of the spring box and wore my platform flipflops, how i've missed them.

i sat in the sun for a stretch of time, and that was delightful. i've missed being able to bask en el sol.

i worked out early that morning, i need to go workout now, but i'm kind of tired. not sure i'm not overdoing it somehow. (don't really see how, but i'm tired, and that's a clue). so i spent the day with my friend and her sister, we shopped a bit, and it was nice. shopping with girlfriends is ten thousand times better than shopping alone. i even acquired a couple mangoes because i was in the mood for something tempting at the store (and i don't get tempted at the store).

then, to belly dance class. she kicked our asses, and i had been trying to do a tremor, which is a delicate shimmy. it is just like it sounds, just a rapid firing of the hips back and forth in such a delicate way, that it looks like a tremor, not a full fledged shimmy. layering this tremor over a figure eight is where i'm headed, but i had to first learn to hold the tremor. it translated to my hands which i found disconcerting, but by the end of class (which, delightfully we focused largely on shimmies), i was shimmying and dancing like no one's business.

we had to do this center side, center other side shimmy combination, and i found it quite difficult not to be choppy. so my instructor came and stood in front of me and just started shimmying through the whole cresecent movement. i shimmied along and it was very quick and exciting. so i'm flinging coins off my hips at an alarming rate (my hip scarf is getting along in years), but still going strong. i got some of the choreography down, but my body refused to commit fully. until she turned on some great music and i just went with it. i ended improvising toward the end, but i need to let go more than i need to reel myself in.

i kept telling myself,

this is belly dance, not rocket science. who cares if i fuck it up?

and that helped. i take everythign waaaay too seriously, so this gave me needed perspective to just let shit fly where it may and dance like i know i can.

(that reminds me, i bought this giant mirror to dance in front of. i'm not a vain person, i don't think, at least i don't spend time gazing into mirrors, if that equals vanity--but i needed a giant mirror for my apartment because i've taken to dancing before bed. i have a lot of pent up energy and need to strengthen my self confidence. belly dance is the perfect tonic for this. sometimes i feel most lost, and after a half hour of dancing and moving--perhaps it's just the endorphins--i feel much better about life.)

i find it takes time for me to really let go. i don't just walk into class and cut loose. i have to warm up. i've known this. so when the other students arrive and sit there, i am just closing my eyes and moving my hips and warming up. this helps me to dance better because i'm not making up for being sedentary all week long during my class. though my lifestyle could hardly be called sedentary any longer.

so after belly dance, i'm dripping with sweat, and have to go retrieve the kiddo so we can go swimming. i ate before we went, changed and whatnot, but i ran out of gas about forty minutes into swimming. i didn't use a noodle to drag my tired body through the water, because i've got some flab i need to work off. so i swam laps. granted they were slow laps, but at least i wasn't parked on the couch.

my favorite way to swim laps is on my back, just gliding through the water, feeling my legs kick, the water pulsing beneath me, my arm cuts through and drags my body forward (i'm sure there is a more glamorous way to put this), but it feels good. to be swimming, breathing, living.

my daughter has taken to diving a lot while swimming her laps, this is a very large diving pool, and she kicks a great deal when descending, and sometimes splashes me in the face. we try not to take up two lanes, we share a lane and do our laps. after getting splashed quite thoroughly i told her,

i don't like to get wet when i swim.

that doesn't make any sense mom!

she laughs.

exactly.

see there's something about swimming and not getting my face splashed constantly (which is tough following a twelve year old diver). i'd rather not have my face get all splashy. sometimes it's because i've forgotten to take my makeup off, most of the times it's just my weirdness. what can i say.

but we are swimming our little hearts out and i said,

bug, we've got to go. i'm wiped.

she was bummed, but i am picking her up tonight and we're going to find the horses tomorrow. i had to open the store, which means get up at 4am, so i had to get to bed.

she was gracious, reluctant, but gracious, and i just ran out of gas.

so here i am, contemplating squeezing in my gym before retrieving her. i can do it. i probably should do it. i neglected the gym for a few weeks there for a while and the result was not good. i think it helps keep me mentally sound. i need a lot of exercise to burn off the dross, if you will.

maybe it's just the endorphins i crave.

at least i'm craving something. that's good.

and now, i think i've said all. i've written some of late, but nothing earth shattering. i keep thinking of my reading and have decided to just hop on the train and enjoy the journey. i may try to get to the city early and putz around a bit. linger in restaurants, or something, not sure.

it's different not having to be brave for my child. now i just have to be brave for myself, and that is tricky. i find, i'm not so brave as i once thought. the most terrifying things of late are the seemingly silly inconsequential details.

i have to get car insurance for myself, things like that. these are by no means deal breakers, life enders, or the like, but they scare me shitless and i don't know why. i guess i'm just tired. sometimes a girl just wants to be taken care of, but i haven't had that in ages, so what is different now? no one to punt to. that is the difference. when i was scared, i did something because someone told me to. now i have to do something of my own volition and that is horrifying. truly fucking frightening.

i am realizing how little i cherish myself and value my own worth. this has been a great revelation. something i need to explore poetically. it's hard, to find words for this place i'm in. but i have a friend who understood and she was telling me a great many things, among them were descriptions she knew from experience and i breathed a sigh of relief to know that i am not going down a road others have not travelled before. much as i like to think myself the pioneer. there is scant comfort in knowing you're some place others have survived.

i shall survive too, in fact, i shall thrive. i'm ready for a new day.

this is our slogan at work now, i like that slogan. they always find ways to inspire me.

today one customer asked me what i would do if it all went right for me.

without hesitation i said,

edit and write poetry.

those two are highly compatible. i like to work with writers and i think for my third semester's work, i'll try to find an internship that will help me move in that general direction. i need to go toward my dreams. they certainly won't seek me out.

i trust it will be well.

and that which is mine shall come to me.

i believe this with all of me.