overrated

had the most guiless banter with a gentleman at the library this morning. started with

too much cooperation in the morning is not good.

right,

i said,

i need a little opposition.

yes.

he replied.

i'm trying to be good at this time of the morning,

he adds.
.

being good is overrated,

i comment as he offers assistance i don't need.

and he chuckles.

my friend is trying to get me to engage people i encounter. to flirt. to notice men. to be out there. though, most would probably say i have no trouble noticing men, it's all the shit that goes with it. i'm not even looking, not interested, not engaged in the sport of flirtation at the moment. no desire. this is what she opposes.

so, she'll be pleased when i report this little encounter. it's progress, however slight. the other night at the belly dance thing she said,

guys were checking you out.

.

i didn't notice.

you need to capitalize on these opportunities,

she adds.

.

ah. i'm not interested.

(but this is not helping me to "have fun" this oblivion. this disengagement. this distance.

not sure i need the quagmire that goes with her kind of fun, but i think that is her point, to show me how to have fun without the quagmire i find. so be it.

i'm a willing student.)

granted, these were "my" kind of guys. bohemian. long hair, talented. artistic. watching the gypsy nomads chemistry, i said to her,

THAT is what i want. that kind of artistic collaboration. that respect artist to artist that is the stuff of great art.

they aren't like that all the time,

she says.
.

i know. i get it. i'm not looking for a fairy tale, but i am essentially in the performing arts as well, with dance and poetry.

.

but you have your book as a safety blanket to hide behind

(i still don't get where she was going with this comment)
.

meaning, i don't have to be there?

.

no, not at all.

as i lay in bed this morning, i saw my reading. i heard my reading. i was as bodily at my reading as if it were happening. there were wonderful things going on, i need to perform my poetry, not just read it. so much has happened since last i was there and it occurred to me that i need to contextualize this for the crowd.

she went on to say,

when we watched her dance tonight, it was more meaningful to us because we knew what she was doing. we knew the difficulty of it. when you go to your reading, the audience will be there for poetry. to hear you. they will be engaged.

i let that rattle around like a bb in my tin can, and exited the vehicle. don't really know, even now where she was headed with that observation. but it's closer, just about four days.

i think back to my goodness is overrated comment and how thoroughly i have bought into that whole, behave thyself mindset that essentially trapped me in a life that i could not, was not able to, had no power to change. because you see, i've tried everything to change the way things were, and the way things are is still the same, i've just taken the exit. and departed the building.

i won't do that again. ever.

the thing about this place is, it's void of desire for me. it's just where i'm at. i'm trying to understand what i want, where i'm going, who i am. how i got here. so many choices i made in the past led to this inevitable result, and i have to believe, that even though it feels like shit now, it will, someday, be something.

it is something now, don't get me wrong. it's something to not be despised every moment, and despise the one your with. that is something. it's something to have freedom to explore, to fail, to make your own choices. for so long i didn't make my own choices.

i read this hand written sign at the women's health center which seemed like it was there just for me. it said,

don't make someone a priority who has made you an option.

ouch.

i think that essentially applies to all my relationships. with very few exceptions. the truth of this stings. and i have to ask myself, is this enough? am i willing to accept "enough" when it worked so well for me in the past?

fact of the matter is, i'd rather be alone than someone's option.

i say this, but now i have to live this. spring has sprung, and powwows will ensue. dancing, endless dancing. i can't wait.

i understand the way it works, that we do not get what we want, that i am keen of desire and unable to secure what i seek, but i will not always seek it. there will be more options ahead.

my dearest friends keep reminding me,

there are more coming.

and i remember back to the first time i met one particular navajo who delighted me. i remained unencumbered in emotion that time. and i think i have to write about him. he is someone i still regard. that's my problem. i keenly regard those i am drawn to. whatever the outcome. even when they pass out of my life, i hold them still. i draw from the draught of whatever it was that brought us together and create something.

i guess that is why i don't mind being bad sometimes. it works out really well for me.