gggrrrrr

i am trying to find ways to self soothe. so as i am walking into the library to write, presumably to meander through the good thoughts and come up with something worthwhile--or at least not a complete waste--my phone rings. que sopresa. it's my dad. haven't heard from him in ages. don't remember when we last spoke. think back when i was telling him it was over between me and the ex.

he starts asking me questions and trying to get me to guess what he knows. i tell him,

if you want to tell me what you know, do it. i don't have time for games.

he does. apparently, my ex called my dad and spoke with my little sister to spill the dirt on me. gotta love it.

my dad, playing the role of the concerned parent, (oddly, for he has never played that role before in my life), lectures me on what not to do when divorcing.

he should know. he's on his third marriage. i hope i don't go that way. i hope i'm not fool enough to try this again. this was a sham. i'm convinced what i had was not a marriage but a parenthood agreement. we were not partners, we never were. we were parents to our child, which was good enough when it was good enough. but no longer good now.

my dad, who opted out of my life in every way at the tender age of 8, is lecturing me on not missing opportunities with my child.

i spent 24-7 with that kid for her first 11 years, i don't think i've done what you did.

but her coming years matter just as much.

this from a man who didn't come to see his granddaughter when i'd hauled our cookies all the way out to cali, for no good reason. even after telling that granddaughter he would see her. unbelievable.

i've been a flake, but never a flake like that. i've never been a relational flake. i've never not done what i said i'd do relationally. (except the whole love and cherish till death do us part bullshit, but i think the contract--and that is all it was--was mutually void somewhere back in the day).

my dad is trying to tell me if i'm angry at the ex, it could mean i still love him.

i don't even think of him. haven't for years,

i told him. we didn't even acknowledge our anniversaries for the past two years (though last year he did send me an email the day AFTER).

it's been dead a long time now. this is just the rigormordis setting in.

i'm so over it all. my dad asks me how i am and i try to explain to him now that i'm living with some dignity. while i had internal dignity before, it was not external, nor tangible. i couldn't live like that anymore. so it had to end.

what to say, then my dad finishes off with,

you have a birthday tomorrow.

well, at least he didn't piss me off like this on my bday. it would have been better if he hadn't called. he said,

i will always be on your side.

i said,

i don't need anyone on my side. he's the father of your granddaughter. have a relationship with him if you want,

(but stay the fuck out of my business. don't call me and be a dad to me because you get some bullshit line from him. it is as messed up from my dad's direction as it is from my ex's).

that is what i don't think people understand about me. i'd rather stand alone than have people taking sides. it has always been the case. i am strong enough to be alone. i am strong enough to defend myself. i don't need anyone going down for me or taking a hit for me. just live your life. be happy. that's all i'm trying to do.

to work. at least it will be a diversion.