my meat

so here i am, on my lunch at the computer. i had to get out of my store because it is no longer a refuge. never was probably, that was just delusion. or diversion, not sure which. either way, i'm awake now. aware of it.

had a long, long talk with the girl who loathes the core of me yesterday. my boss said he was tired of losing sleep over our not getting along. so we wrangle in words for about two hours. got nowhere, apparently.

i'm a tough nut to argue with because i stick to the point anally. i mean, come on, if you're going to be anal about something, let it be keeping people on point, addressing issues. amen.

a lot came out in that chat. and i was blunt as i am inclined to be. barring kindness, we were way beyond niceties at that point, i went for flat out honesty. i've been told i've been too "nice" and, well, nice suzanne is dead. (i don't think she ever existed, but people think what they will).

though it had occurred to me that walking on eggshells around this particular person was in fact favoring her. and she kept protesting how i am "so mean" to her, and attack her personally.

i kept telling her,

stop taking it personal, this is business.

por ejemplo. i ask her to ring and brew coffee and set off to do the deposit. the kid on bar needs to be there for reasons unknown to her. i have directives i'm following which i did not, and still do not feel i need to explain to someone who is putting themself in a position to approve or disapprove my calls as a supervisor.

she runs completely out of coffee, when i had set her up with four full pots before walking away (never let it be said i left someone's ass hanging out in the wind).

i come out on the floor and try to pull a coffee for someone, nothing. nada. zip.

what happened?

i ask.

(this, mind you, is interpreted as a personal attack)

i get no answer, just tude for days and proceed to help fix the coffee situation. this person then jumps on bar, which is where she prefers (hear: demands) to be, and i say,

you're on coffee.

which results in more attitude.

i did not say anything to her directly at that point. i just told my boss matter of factly what happened, and left when my shift ended.

this came up in the "chat" shall we call it (catfight if you want a better picture of the kind of antics going on). and i asked plainly,

what happened

and got an excellent explanation.

i did not explain myself beyond,

well, if you would have said that in the moment, i would have said, fine. understandable. but you gave me attitude and got angry.

this, all being said to someone with as defensive a posture one can assume and shifting eyes that would never look in mine (never a good sign).


my boss kept walking through during our conversation and chiming in, helpfully, which i was grateful for.

it's perception,

he would say. pointing out the obvious to me, but perhaps not to everyone. what can i say, it is all perception at this point.

so, while i fended off this latest attack, i got sad news in the midst. and i realized there is no one i can trust. that is a tough spot for me. i want to trust. but i cannot.

my boss has been telling me for a long time now,

don't trust anyone.

but that is neither my inclination nor nature, so i do. i venture out on that wobbly branch and see if it holds.

well, it didn't.

and i find myself fresh out of confidants, safe people. there is simply no one for me to trust at the moment. which is stunning.

my boss is willing to do the job, but he's my boss and it's not appropriate for him to be in that role for me. i'm trying to not talk to anyone outside our store about anything but that is very complicated. and i'm inclined to honesty. the answer for me would be to not talk to anyone to do with work outside of work, at all. being the extremist that i am, this comes naturally as a solution. but like i can manage that.

i was in the dentist chair for hours before this meeting and i walked in, no makeup (why apply makeup when the dentist's manhands will be in your face for hours--i kid you not, HOURS), and they spray shit all over your face with those implements of torture.

fortunately, about $1500 later, that's my co-pay kids, i'm finally done with la dentista. my teeth feel better, but i walked in to work and was shot up with that numby stuff, and was slurring my words a bit, sans makeup, my boss just looked at me and laughed. he likes to mock me (i enjoy mocking him back so it's an even exchange on that part).

i had a decent day, but so much to do. and after the marathon convo, my boss told me,

don't be so gung ho.

which left me scratching my head.

so he calls me one of the million times in a day (he calls me a lot), and asks me to do something, and i said,

i will if i remember. trying not to be so gung ho.

which struck me as funny, and he laughed. i got off the phone and said,

i'm going to enjoy this.

so last night, instead of staying overlong, i left before i'd completed the set up of the new merchandise. i got it 90% done. but ran out of time.

i walk in to open this morning, the place has been torn apart by the painters, removing every cup and shelf i'd so carefully positioned and shuffling them all around so they could paint the walls.

bastards!

they couldn't help it, it needed to be done. but my god. like i needed that. so this am i'm redoing what i done yesteray and i'm trying to just keep myself from being a bitch.

though i'm told i'm not a bitch. that only one person thinks i'm a bitch. so there you have it. let others decide what is and isn't true. i've got too much going on to fret about it.

but i have wanted to write, and my hours make it impossible to get to the library of late, so, i have to get hooked up at home. it's time. i'm ready. i need to write again, regularly.

i miss it.