secondary considerations

i don't recall the context of this thought, but perhaps it will come to me if i write my way to it.

i have to finish the pony story.

so we're going to leave, i'm in the car, looking at him, and my girl. she's touching his lip and he's wiggling it away. they do this repeatedly for a while. he's got his head way high, and he looked happy.

i wish she could have seen him through my eyes for that instant. because she walked over and laid her body against the closed door of my camry, and pouted.

finally, she gets in and we're off. as we drove i tried to reframe the whole thing for her.

so many things could have gone wrong love, but they didn't. be grateful they didn't. when you get that pang of fear or regret, just remind yourself that the worst didn't happen, and be grateful. this is how i deal with things that scare me.

she just sat there. listening. not wanting to be comforted. we had to pull to the side of the road, and there were the white bones of a ribcage, which i pointed out to her.

look!

gross,

she said.

anything to take her mind of what was troubling her.

it helps that in my memory, even very recent memory i have a whole slew of fuckups to draw from.

there was the time i...

and off we go, down memory lane, where i did some crazy thing and my girl ends up laughing with me, or perhaps at me. that i did not utterly maim myself or someone else irreparably.

be grateful for what didn't happen.

i remind her, and myself constantly.

so, i try to nudge these tender memories back to the light lest they fester. she tolerates it well, i've done it her whole life. we poke around the tender spot until there is some resilience, some strength, some soundness of bone and body.

i had more to say about the ponies, but i'm done with that now. so hard to blog on someone else's schedule (namely the library's).