dreams

i just had an unsettling one. sometimes i wake up and try to rationalize it. but when it involves the ones i love it's hard.

think about something else then, this doesn't address the issue. but dreams are just that, dreams, right. why give them any weight.

it's not me who weights the dream with meaning, it is the dream itself does that. when i wake with a heaving chest, though i wasn't so bad this time, heart racing, it's hard to ignore that. to say,

it was just a dream.

sometimes i just have to cry. to tell someone about it.

stress dreams,

she called them once. i try to remind myself of this.

but i don't feel stressed, not in the slightest, so what does the dream represent. some underlying fear, some inherent doubt i have yet to acknowledge. perhaps.

am i weighting it too heavily, perhaps, but as i said, it's the dream itself that gives it substance.

yoga was tough today. i was physically tired, but the work was full of forward bends and lunges, to the point of feeling like my body would end up in a heap. at least i made it through the class, last week, was a different story.

i'd like to say i got some spiritual meaning out of today's yoga class but all i got was shaking legs and a trembling body. it feels good to push myself, i can feel my body changing. but that is the difference between this and the other teachers, she is bodycentric. it's not a bad thing, it merely is.

i wonder what i would be if i ever taught yoga.

trying to figure out how to move forward from this place in my life.

all feels well, i had a genuine sense of well being today, before that dream episode. and it gives me pause. what is happening different. i'm watching a rather violent hbo series out of sheer boredom, i admit it. watching before i go to sleep. i should probably spend more time at the river. didn't even make it there today.

i'm thinking about my sister and feeling torn in my life, wanting to be near her now, but knowing i am here. this is where i live. i want to protect her, take care of her. shelter her for a bit.

so i'm going to spend an entire month with her, soon. it feels far away. i can only trust the universe to provide what she needs. to send the help she requires. to breathe life into her and strengthen her. i can only love her from afar.

i must remember not to be so far in my thoughts, to reach out to her and remind her she is loved, and safe. she is a powerful woman.

head stand

i went back to sophie's class last night because i was out of sorts. i needed to find my center again as i'd been thrown off. this time when we did the headstand preparation, i went ahead and lifted my legs into the headstand, with sophie spotting me, i was in a head stand for about 30 seconds, then got all wobbly and let myself down. but i did it. it was wonderful.

i'm awful, just atrocious at following direction, but maybe this will help. some of it is instinctive, you have to know where to go, what to do, i get all caught up in the words sometimes, and i'm grateful i'm learning the names of poses, and beginning to recognize the flow.

i didn't get into the writer's conference i'd hoped to attend in la. and while that saddens me, everything has a purpose. there is a reason for everything. so, i will still enjoy myself and move forward.

my work is getting stronger, though i am hesitant to share it with many people at this point because it is so close to the bone. lately, only my sister has been seeing any of it. and my best friend hearing it. she tells me to change this or that, i told her

she's quite the poetry critic now.

when she balks at yet another session of poetry reading i remind her,

it's in the fine print of our best friend contract, you have to be subjected to my work.

then you have to listen to my critique,

she replies.

i liked it better when she was ignorant these things and had no opinion. sometimes that's easier. though having someone argue with me about my work is probably good for me. i can see where i deliberately did or do something.

but, beggars can't be choosers. i would like to find some kindred community as at the moment i'm feeling isolated artistically. though i have had experiences i wouldn't trade, the rush of poems that come from the conversations i have with a dear friend. it's all still there, i just want to share it, willingly with others.

how does that happen?

i don't know.

so i kept having to breathe deep and still my mind yesterday because my baby needed to see the doctor. i don't know what it is about me and doctors but i get freaked out.

so yoga. then sophie led us through a quiet meditation at the end which helped tremendously. i felt lost before i arrived, and when i left, felt myself again.

it doesn't hurt too that she walks over and helps me get into position. we don't talk much, but she is whom i would model myself after if i could. there are not many people i can say that about.

she closes the session with,

when you are in the place of light, of love, of truth in yourself, and i am in the place of light, of love, of truth in myself, then we are one.

i love that. so true.

mat work

that's probably not what it's called, technically, but i make up names for things.

so this morning's yoga was wonderful. we stayed on the floor and did a lot of stretching and balancing from the ground. at one point we got on our foreheads and put our knees on the back of our arms in preparation for the head stand. i did it, held it and was solid. sophie walks over,

can you put up one leg.

no.

i laughed and let myself down. i know my limitations.

it's curious because i'm not the most flexible person in the room, nor am i the most adept at yoga. but the really hard shit comes easily to me. the simple stuff, flat back, following direction (:D) very difficult.

sophie talks a lot about the spirituality of yoga and this pleases me. i'm utilitarian by nature. i want my actions to be meaningful.

she helped me find my breath today too, which was huge. it was probably the first time i felt in slight awareness of my breath and able to begin to control it.

so i've put away the winter clothes, finally. and now i'm all ready for spring. still haven't finished the cleaning to do today, but it's been incredibly productive so far. when i clean my girl comes in the door and dances. it's so cute to see, like the energy of the place changes when things are in order. it probably does.

i'm excited about the coming weeks. the next month is full of little details before graduation. then i'm gone for a long vacation. i can't wait. i haven't had a vacation in ages. eons.

i plan to vegemetate regularly.

blessed mundane

today i will lose myself in the quotidian mysteries. tending the home the way i once did, years ago.

yoga with sophie will help me focus, she has a way of ushering in light. i can't explain it. she's not easier than the physical girl, she's just got a different approach. and she always says,

beautiful, thank you.

she plays yoga music and i'm able to lose myself in her class.

though one time, because she's european, she said,

put your hands on your shin.

i was on one leg with the other outstretched balancing, and put my hands under my chin and smiled, because i didn't realize she said,

shin.

i heard chin.

these things make me laugh inside. i'm such a dork.

last night was nee's spring concert, the end of her middle school music journey, essentially. the music was okay, i must say, i enjoyed my kid's performance best, but that's to be expected. i tried to be patient through it, but was grateful when it was over.

my girl closes her eyes when she sings. she gets very serious and deep inside herself. she wants to be a singer now. i have told her to play that guitar she begged me to buy. she is currently dabbling in piano, but i think the guitar is important for a singer. don't know what she'll do.

and when it comes to languages, the child is teaching herself japanese but they won't let her in a mandarin chinese class, because at the high school they don't offer level one classes in any language except spanish. sigh. so she's stuck in spanish for the rest of her time in high school. i understand, i didn't like it either. spanish was a pain. it's a useful language though, so hopefully it will sink in a bit.

the air has gone cool, but my girl tells me it will warm up considerably today.

yesterday was beautiful. my bestie and i went for a walk, ran a few errands, and sat on her porch. we've worked so hard the past week, trying to find some balance of rest and finishing the remainder of the tasks we've set before us is a challenge.

today is one of those days when tasks will present themselves and i will give myself over to them. grateful for the opportunity to meet the needs of my child. to be in this life another beautiful day.

steady girl

i am trying to get a handle on my energy level which is all over the charts and not in good ways. it feels as though someone just broke pool and the balls are skittering all over the field of felt in my chest.

are you okay,

the yoga teacher asked.

yes, i'm just tired.

i replied from child's pose. we were not doing anything horribly strenuous, but my body felt like a folding chair that would snap shut at any moment.

so i stepped out of the position and sank to the ground. stretched my arms as far as they could go and sank my head into my knees. my lower back felt as tight as my budget (har har!)

when i got back into it, i was wobbly, but still able to do one leg parallel position. i think because she starts with such long stretches of deep squats, and i'm beat already, that i just couldn't be graceful today. though coming out of the parallel leg and transitioning into tree was quite smooth.

but even in forward bend my legs quivered, and my body felt like a souffle ready to collapse.

i'm home trying to eat and ground myself. perhaps that is my problem, i've eaten too little and asked too much of my body for about a week now. i don't like to eat when i don't feel hungry, and i don't get that hunger pang thing too readily, so i have to start eating as a matter of choice, rather than necessity.

it's an interesting dilemma, because food is enjoyable, we need it to live. but i don't want to eat when i'm not hungry, and perhaps it's what i'm eating. i must rethink my diet. transform my life.

today i have to work, for myself, but still work.

but first, a hot bath. hot cup of chai with soy. some rest. then i will be ready.

find your breath

the sound of the rain, the moist air, the cool breeze. it's delightful.

i have a jam packed week, and today is just getting started. i have a new writing gig which will take me into new jersey and i find this exciting. the assignment is much the same as what i'm doing in new york, but i'm looking forward to what will develop with my new ventures.

my nee leaves tomorrow for a few days and i will be busily packing and helping my bestie move. she says i

calm her down.

i'm glad. i just don't see what there is to worry about. ever. curiously though, she has the same effect on me. when my center is revving up to intolerable levels, i can go sit with her and cry, or laugh, or just be silent. i think that is what companionship does. it absorbs errant energy. transforms it into something useful, or at least, tolerable. this is, perhaps the only gift i have to give my people. that i can be present to them. and love them.

i've started reading a new book on buddhism called the dawn of tantra. i would like to get it on my first pass through, but likely won't. i can be a dullard. but i keep reading because i know there is much there for me. even if i can't make logical sense of it yet. i found myself quoting the book repeatedly last night, and it makes me wonder if this detached reading style of mine isn't something in itself. i don't pretend to know, and this is a style of reading where i don't contemplate the words, i just inhale them. as breath comes in and leaves the lungs, serving its purpose, so does words.

i guess because i'm so deep in words already, i would drown in them if i anchored myself too closely to the words of another. let's be clear. i am awash of words as the world is awash of rain at the moment, or at least the world outside my window. myopia in action folks, the world outside my window is all that exists. but in some ways it is true.

the deep soaking rain, that will refill the rivers and cause levels to rise, that is the way words work with me too. they come, a deluge at times. and i can only stand in the midst of them and soak them up.

yesterday i wrote a poem, and it was delightful.

my bestie beside me, forced to listen, to first hearings usually, commented on how i did this or that. then said,

but that's not a poem.

i've come to understand my style is very much about the relationships of my life. the seeming insignificance of a glance, the power of words, spoken and written. my works are the way i convey my world and what is and isn't a poem by a particular definition does not interest me.

i have generated this critique before. usually at the workshop table, three hours long, ten days in a row. the larger discussion would be, what is a poem. that discussion has never yet been had. i have never been witness to it. far easier, i think, to level critique than to explore the ramifications of said critique. dropping bombs. literary bombs, but bombs nonetheless.

i will go now, try to find myself in my life and prepare for the tasks which will present themselves. i'm excited though tempered by an excess of thought. yoga this morning will hopefully help that.

today's teacher is very physical. she demands a lot of the body. she is intrepid. last week we met eyes. and i smiled. but i don't have the warmth toward her that i do toward the more spiritually inclined instructor of midweek, sophie. though all the instructors are excellent, there is a spiritual component that speaks to me. but i'm deeply in need of being in touch with my body. today's instructor will help with that. she will demand of me what i would not demand of myself. and i will give it. it is why we go to these classes, to be pushed to a higher level. it is why we keep showing up for the challenge, because it reminds us that we can do more than we think we can.

when i most want to quit, i breathe in, and focus. exhale slowly.

the breath is the hardest part of yoga for me. i am unable, as yet, to conjoin the movements with the exhalations and inhalations. perhaps this will come as i get more familiar with poses. as i find my center and move from it, through it, to it.

perhaps if i just start noticing it during the other parts of the day, i will be able to find it during yoga.

listening to one of my favorite audio books, zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance, and pirsig says,

being a sloppy thinker six days a week will not produce focused thought on the seventh. but if you try to focus on the seventh, perhaps the following six days will be less sloppy.

so, in a sense, today is my seventh day. i will focus on my breathing.

perhaps then i will find my breath

cave paintings

do you know what it's like,

i asked.

she listened.

like my mind is a cave and you've painted and carved images all over it. i have to look out through my eyes and not stay in my head.

she's there. she knows she's there. i know she's there. i try to do the things that need be done. tend to what needs my attention. and sometimes, we connect.

relationally, i've come a long way. i don't need traditional anything anymore. not even commitment. i don't really want it. but this living in a new way comes with uncertainty. it comes with a high trust quotient. trust who, you ask. myself. that i will know what to do when it's time to do it.

so i go climb mountains, and meet new people and see new sights, because i need beauty. i need to be embraced by beauty.

sometimes i can explain it. sometimes i can't.

and i live so far from the world of places and things. i walk in a presence i have never experienced before. because it is the only place i am safe.

and when she comes to me, and i open my arms again, my mind is free. my heart is free. she is free. it's something.

i have come from a very far country, it has been an arduous journey. but i would do it all again.

all of it.

yoga toes

we were sitting in washington park when i slipped my foot out of my platform flip flop and spread my toes out, we were both looking at my feet, i said,

hello foot.

don't know why, i just do these things.

you have yoga toes,

she said.

i looked at her not having a clue what she meant.

it took me a long time to get my toes to spread out like that. i heard a teacher once say that your life will change when you can spread your toes.

how will my life change,

i looked askew at them spread out before me.

i wonder how my life will change.

i described to her my daughter, who at eighteen months thought it perfectly normal to carry a ball point pen in her pony tail, that is where i sheathed mine, more often than not. and when said ball point, or crayon, fell to the ground, she would not bend at the waist to retrieve it, she would reach her foot toward it and use her toes.

she is so my child.

i said the first time i saw her do that.

i stopped short of describing my poem prehensile toes, because the story got the point across. i use my toes like fingers.

so today, as i spread my toes out wide on my yoga mat, she had us lift them up into the air. then touch down the pinkie toe only. then add only the big toe. i never knew i could do that, or i knew but it had never been asked of me to do that. so the class let out a collective

oooohhh

when we all discovered simultaneously how easy it is to arch your toes. a bit of childlike wonder. like we'd never known what we could do with our own bodies.

i want my body back,

was my saying before i rejoined the gym. this foot injury has taken its toll but it's time for it to stop. the downward spiral is over. time to build strength and stamina. to get my body back.

so far this week, i've attended three classes and will do a fourth tonight. i'm not sure if you can do too much yoga, but i'm going to do it as much as i can because i feel strong and balanced when i do it. a feeling i need to remind me that my body is mine. it has always been mine.

when one sustains an injury that must be accommodated, it's a bit of a mindfuck. somehow there is a limitation, whether one objects or not. a limitation exists. i do not live by limitation, i live by possibility. for months on end this foot thing had me sidelined and i couldn't figure out why it took such a toll mentally, let alone the physical part.

of course now i see i most likely wouldn't have passed last semester had i not been sidelined. i'm grateful for the time to focus on what needed my attention most. my life swung into this reprioritization that i had no say in. i just went with it. i didn't ask many questions about it, because i had tasks to accomplish. i can be very mulish when presented with a task.

so when my semester ended, and i was still catering to the foot, months later, even now in some ways i still cater to the foot, i am in yoga trying to expand my repertoire.

vinyasa proved nearly undoable for me because it is so foot aggressive. but i breathed through it and took it very slow. i had to alter my pattern and step into downward dog rather than jump. my foot cannot handle it. but this is a concession. i understand. the goal for me is not to blow out my foot, but to progress to a level where the concessions are limited in number because my foot has regained strength and flexibility. i'm tired of limping and gimping around.

so we sat on the bench wrapped in each other's arms, looking at my toes, and i said,

i wonder how my life will change.

depersonalizing

it is hard to separate out those things that are a loved ones at times, from things that are mine.

the harder i try to forget, to let go, the tighter the web wraps around my heart and mind. i strangle myself this way.

i would like to say i understand what is transpiring. i don't. nothing new there.

i just hadn't expected it to be so hard.

i keep trying to detach. to cut the cords. sever the connections. but as fast as i slice through them, they mend.

how many heads does the hydra need before i catch on.

they flail about me, i compound my own battle. i don't know how to win this particular battle. to face this particular foe.

it seems i'm going to have to write my way out of this. because when nothing else makes sense, this approach works for me.

i look intently into the face of my foe, study the contours of his face. the way my heart hurts in his presence. and come home, pecking away at the computer, and anchor him to a place in time.

sometimes, the foe is too strong to face head on.

so i wait. as the spider on her web, for the tremor of silk.

then i will seize my catch and in turning it over in my mind.

will find freedom.

reflections

attended my first tai chi class in probably three years today, could it have been that long.

it was strange in the manner of strange. i'm still reeling from it. and what i've come to understand is this, i saw myself.

sometimes it's easiest to say, this person that. or that person this.

i have no one left to point to except me. in my lucid moments, when i understand, this seems obvious.

but when i'm wallowing in confusion. it's not so easy. far easier, to blame. to say, it's you. when in fact, is has always, only been me.

my quandary, this. i heard a teacher say,

if someone is using guilt against you, it is not them. it is you. your unconscious guilt. they are reflecting the guilt you feel at some level. the things they say do not come from them, they come through them.

mooji

my mind extrapolates this thought out and i'm left spinning.

but then again, that's just me. my reaction to truth.

i've been sitting with myself all day, trying to let go. to breathe. to release my idea of what i needed that tai chi instructor to do for me. ultimately i have decided, she can do nothing for or against me. i have to make the decision myself to return to the class. to face the thing that i reacted so strongly to. to stand there with it and let it unnerve me. to find myself in that place of discomfort. to watch it transform.

i do not think dis ease is to be avoided out of hand. sometimes, it presents itself for a reason.

what reason is this.

i do not know.

as i buried my head in my hands and wept over my divorce that did not come to realization, i understood, this is an opportunity for me to experience heartache amidst a very happy time in my life. so i do not lose the compassion sorrow begets.

have i done well with it.

whose to say. but i have tried to be mindful. to recognize sorrow as a teacher, equal to joy.

it has taken such great courage to embrace joy because it's fleeting. i don't want to lose it or let it go.

but i have no control over it. over any of it.

i must let it all go.

and find myself in the silence.

today this meant, sitting with great dis ease. and not turning away from it.

offering it a cup of tea. and the question,

what do you have to teach me today.

yeowga!

have been trying out new instructors at my new gym. today's instructor made my entire body feel like jello within ten minutes. i'm not sure if that's a good thing. it's hard for me to feel totally lame, accommodating foot still, and try poses i can't remotely get in to. fell out of a couple today that i was fine with on weds, so i know it has a lot to do with the way it was done. that's no one's fault, just something i understand, which makes me feel better. i would have felt like a loser had this been my first yoga class at this gym, but it wasn't. so i know there is a spectrum. since i can't subscribe to any one class, i will continue to test myself with the spectrum.

tonight is a my chemical romance concert. my daughter and i are going together and i'm excited. when we were standing there watching them last time, i couldn't believe i hadn't wanted to come to either show. sometimes i get lazy. the city seems daunting, and, well, there are lots of reasons. but we were there, ear to ear grins, and saying, what were we thinking. we're suddenly glad we get to go again, it's like a treat.

we're hoping the architects open again, we liked them. the neon trees, for me, not so much, but my girl liked them. that was their last show with mcr, so fortunately, i don't have to see them again.

she's hooked on the concert scene now. just as i was. and i am glad i'm able to support her in that.

it's gotten suddenly chilly the past few days, and it's wonderful. i like to bundle up. to be cozy under blankets. to wear sweaters. then there are pockets of sunshine and i pop on my bathing suit and bask. life is beautiful at the moment.

i'm off to soak in a hot tub. my daily ritual. something about the stillness, the way the water holds and soothes. the layering in of salts and oils, applying masks, and using a fancy bar of soap a dear friend encouraged me to buy. there is something wonderfully restorative about those things in combination.

and when i'm done, my skin steaming, my mind at ease, i will emerge, and rest or wander down to the river, where i'll bask on a rock, until it's time to get ready, or until some other diversion presents itself.

life is good. and what i've come to understand is that when you expect life to be good, the cold cup of orange juice has a particular zing. the warm rice, good company, all these things, matter. when you look for the good, the good can be found. which makes perfect sense since when i look for something to complain about, something always presents itself. i'm looking to rejoice now. to marvel in simplicity and revel in the mundane.

starting with the lighting of candles, and the hot bath.

then, who knows.

estranged still

i'm trying not to let the fact that i'm not divorced yet throw me into a tailspin.

yesterday proved most difficult, in that while i was being prepped for trial, my attorney got word that the judge had an emergency and had to cancel. i remain an estranged wife. as much as i like that phrase, i don't want to be anyone's wife anymore.

i want to be free.

now i contemplate how to honor the commitments i have while relinquishing my claims to things. it is not possible to hedge bets, to win every game. to even consider this a game. this was a significant life choice that i am trying to unmake. but the aftereffects remain. we have issues to contend with.

at least we're talking now. we are trying to come to terms between us, without the courts. and in the meantime, secure a divorce ourselves.

i don't know what it takes to make two people agree to help one another out.

but i know that harming my ex does not better me. i don't want him crushed, i don't want him to lose anything he wants to keep. i explained a lot of what transpired from my perspective over the past year, and he said,

i'm sorry.

i've never heard those words from him before. never.

it could be false contrition. i am not so naiive to think that everything, particularly in times of duress is so noble.

but i told him yesterday,

i trust you on some level, i married you. but i don't want to make you suffer.

so in this respite, this court mandated respite, he has some work to do. and we will try to agree on how best to parent out child.

and i have cried so many tears, enjoying the sadness that has come to me.

surprised by the sadness that has come to me, why am i sad. i'm not entirely clear on it, the best i can guess is, i had my heart set on being free today. on having a little slip of paper that would include today's date and my liberation.

but then again, i am empowering them too much, aren't i

i am free. i am liberated.

now to settle the property issues. i was willing to walk away once, i still am. so why haggle over it, except that i have a daughter to provide for. a child to keep.

i trust it will be well.

or as i'm fond of saying,

all ends well

how does it

it's a mystery

destress

i knew this morning a long soak would do me well. but i had things to accomplish. deadlines to meet. important deadlines, not procrastinatable, because i'd put them off for so long. yes, that was completely my bad.

my divorce trial is weds morning. i have not sent one scrap of documentation to my atty, so today, i had to make it so. it was all compiled, i actually forgot about the hearing completely, if they hadn't told me to get on with it, i would have missed the phone appearance, because it just isn't on my radar at the moment. sure i want to be done with this, but i am not thinking about ends, or messy trials. i'm in a very good space of late.

anyway, i was standing at the copy machine, literally having to belly breathe, because i felt so tight. my back like a hunk of wood, a feeling i'm not familiar with, goddess be praised, and so i'm breathing in. and out. deeply. consciously. because i'm not wanting to stress about anything. there is no reason. it was my body on some kind of freak out setting, and i didn't want to freak. everything was okay.

i had contemplated, for a moment, using the copy center closest to me, but i know the guy at the copy center a bit farther away, and i knew if i had any kind of confusion, i'd explode (not that it was close to happening, but i needed to be comfortable and safe in my environment). so i drove myself to the copy guy i know, and the copying of things was frustrating as it can be, but it progressed smoothly because i had minimized the variables. i know the guy, he knows me, we're good.

but i still had mounds of paperwork to organize.

ultimately, i went to the library to sort through the paperwork and not have the distractions of my home, the paperwork sorting went quickly and i was grateful. i saw a friend, again, i was grateful.

the sorting went well, and i made it to the post office, another trial of my stress and patience waved by going to the now familiar though formerly irritating postal worker whom i am choosing to smile at and say hello to. we even chat some now and again. i realize, if i'm giving people the ojos, it's no wonder they are crabby with me.

i smile wide and say,

hello. good morning.

just being nice. though i hate that word. it has taken me a long time to practice this because when i stress i lash out. or used to. so i guess today was a particular triumph on many levels.

so i finally make it back home, after being on the phone with courts in texas and services all over the place. one goof up which tried me was my atty's secretary gave me the bench phone number. so, i called the judge herself, and asked a question. i keep reminding myself, accidents happen. it's not malicious.

went to pick up my nee at the bus stop and was escorted at least partially by four cats, the three little ones and the momma. and the whole way by two, until the second one darted. the cats follow me around. one walked with me down to the river (and has twice accompanied me to the bus stop to see nee off, or pick her up). he was no fun by the river, sat there and yowled the entire time. cut my time short, but it was nice to have company, even impatient, meowing company.

i plopped into a hot tub and lit candles. which is what would have served me this morning, but at least i got to it. and now i'm preparing to go to a public hearing for one of the areas i report on. the day is not yet over.

i think everything is arranged, i will appear by phone on weds, which is quite a coup, though i don't see why they need me to physically be there when i have an attorney representing me.

i need some pampering, so tomorrow i will go to a rockin yoga class, where she will twist me into a pretzel and help me to center.

i'm grateful, for these trials which show how much growth has occurred.
i'm grateful for the trial which will settle the marriage issue at last.

it is all good. every last bit of it.