dreams

i just had an unsettling one. sometimes i wake up and try to rationalize it. but when it involves the ones i love it's hard.

think about something else then, this doesn't address the issue. but dreams are just that, dreams, right. why give them any weight.

it's not me who weights the dream with meaning, it is the dream itself does that. when i wake with a heaving chest, though i wasn't so bad this time, heart racing, it's hard to ignore that. to say,

it was just a dream.

sometimes i just have to cry. to tell someone about it.

stress dreams,

she called them once. i try to remind myself of this.

but i don't feel stressed, not in the slightest, so what does the dream represent. some underlying fear, some inherent doubt i have yet to acknowledge. perhaps.

am i weighting it too heavily, perhaps, but as i said, it's the dream itself that gives it substance.

yoga was tough today. i was physically tired, but the work was full of forward bends and lunges, to the point of feeling like my body would end up in a heap. at least i made it through the class, last week, was a different story.

i'd like to say i got some spiritual meaning out of today's yoga class but all i got was shaking legs and a trembling body. it feels good to push myself, i can feel my body changing. but that is the difference between this and the other teachers, she is bodycentric. it's not a bad thing, it merely is.

i wonder what i would be if i ever taught yoga.

trying to figure out how to move forward from this place in my life.

all feels well, i had a genuine sense of well being today, before that dream episode. and it gives me pause. what is happening different. i'm watching a rather violent hbo series out of sheer boredom, i admit it. watching before i go to sleep. i should probably spend more time at the river. didn't even make it there today.

i'm thinking about my sister and feeling torn in my life, wanting to be near her now, but knowing i am here. this is where i live. i want to protect her, take care of her. shelter her for a bit.

so i'm going to spend an entire month with her, soon. it feels far away. i can only trust the universe to provide what she needs. to send the help she requires. to breathe life into her and strengthen her. i can only love her from afar.

i must remember not to be so far in my thoughts, to reach out to her and remind her she is loved, and safe. she is a powerful woman.