do you know the song? who wrote it?)
when i was in recovery, i got saddled with bi-lateral carpal tunnel syndrome. not fun. for a writer it is torture.
i remember, i couldn't write. it was too painful. it hurt to brush my teeth, to wipe my counters (holding a sponge). my arms were trashed.
i was a workaholic then. i couldn't say no because i was making decent money and had a job that "needed" me.
my mom kept saying,
mija, you're expendable. they'll just find someone else to do your job.
nah, i thought. they need me.
well, they didn't need me. i was wrong. but it changed my life in a great many ways. it was the necessary death for my rebirth as a student. i also learned how to communicate verbally (sort of). a skill, i've since let slack in a major way.
i didn't opt for the surgery then. i changed my life. it had become an endless cycle of overwork and underplay. i learned how to stop wearing myself out for the man.
well, there's a new man in town. apparently. because i've been grappling with carpal tunnel symptoms for a few months now.
the first morning i awoke with tingly fingers, i prayed,
no, God. no.
this morning, tingly again.
marion woodman would say,
listen to your body. what is it saying?
the body has no other language than symptoms. so i must begin to listen.
she battled cancer with all kinds of alternative medicines and approaches. meditation, and whatnot. things i would likely consider before i go the surgery route. she was mocked at first by her doctors. but when her body responded to the vast array of methods she used, her doctor applauded.
i don't need applause. but i do need a life change.
this is a signal from my body saying,
hey, get some balance.
so i shall try.
which means less writing for a time.
my friends ask me about when i don't write, but i must take drastic steps to curb this crippling syndrome.
and so i shall.
i don't really have much to say these days anyway. but i'll begin posting less again. and hope to change my life.
what does this death precede? that is an interesting question.
peace.
2 comments:
it seems to me, as you found out you was'nt needed, but it changed your direction, that these deaths are a part of growing in maturity outwardly and inside deep. This is different i think than the Spiritual dieng to self. But these deaths are the unexspected deaths of exsperiences. learning to choose, learning to move, learning to live in a cruel and misgiving world. i think, IF we learn, we are more equiped to persue than if we stay buried by the deaths. What will your next steps be? Only God knows. But i have much confidence in you Suz, that your ears have become sensitive to the voice of the all knowing Father. The memory of exsperiences is our make-up to draw from in decisions. Along WITH the living Word.It is not so much what we think we will do at cross roads, but to ask, what would PLEASE God. But you are in a completely different state than school days, the deaths are no longer to be feared, but looked forward to, in that, by knowing God as I know you do,exsited to some measure of what God is going to do next in your life and the lives of others.I've lived long enough to have learned, that after the fact of these deaths, they end up being tools for living. I say, worry not about the deaths, but look forward to life.
Suz,
I'm sure going to miss your daily entries in your blog. Selfish, I know, but what can I say? You see the world in fresh and imaginative ways that are interesting and inspiring. I was telling a gal tonight about you and about how much I believe in you and your writing. "She's going to be bigger than Maya What's her name?" Do what you must, but I'll sure miss listening to (or for) the silence with you.
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