good times

i have said it myself, sometimes when there is only goodness, we find things to complain about.

i'm trying to find things to rejoice in.

it occurred to me the other day, there is goodness all around, if i will just look for it. it will rise up to meet my searching eye. so often, i see only the sadness, or mark it in so many words and poems. i capture the melancholy, the sadness of life well. perhaps too well.

but i want to capture the joy of this season. for some reason my mind has been going back to the days of my pregnancy. those were deliriously blessed days. i wanted for no thing. i was alive and moving toward the moment when my entire being would quiver and quake resulting in one precious life.

that precious life now vexes me and gives me back a good dose of what i give the world (there is justice after all). but we are good friends, and our mother daughter spats are just that. spats. i'm grateful she is well. she is beautiful both inside and out. we are alive and together. this, too, is utter bliss. if i will only notice it.

i was thinking about the days of nursing and how they flew by. exhausting days when i was a manufacturing plant of the stuff of life. for four years from inception i was the source for that kid. whew. such a time of giving. i've not known since.

but maybe this time, this season when my four manuscripts sit in kind hands. awaiting to be read, perhaps published. perhaps these are the life giving days, but my conveyance is words. yes. i have known that. the fruit of my life is not milk, but words and images.

it is a deliriously happy time, or it can be, if i just take a moment to stop and relish the days i am in. never again will i be a potential first time author for a major publisher. and even if the worst happens (the worst in one limited aspect that is) and i don't get picked up, i can still self publish. all is well. all will be and is well.

so, in this time of silence, i'm trying to find new ways of expressing myself. some of the beauty and joy of my life can come out of hiding and become. yes, that is it for me really. i want to make monuments to joy from here on out.

i do have much to say, but the words are beyond me just yet.

when i was pregnant and nursing, i was very in tune with what was going on. i kept journals, jotted down everything. i never knew if i'd be there again. and, i haven't been back there, for some reason only God knows. i'm sure glad i didn't miss it. so too, here, i may never be here again. i may not have four more books in me. i may not have a great many things which this moment alone possesses. i must take my fill of pleasure here. now. not miss it, longing for days gone by. for dreams of things i do not and cannot have. i must attend to this moment. and so i shall.

be well my friends, and for those who encouraged me to blog, thank you. i've missed you too.