powderkeg

i've never been a very good wife. the truth be told. i've been selfish, demanding, petty. all those things that make a husband want to come home and crawl in bed beside me.

the trouble is, i've tried. and the suz you know and love, is the improved version. can you imagine what i used to be like? it gives me the willies to go there. so i try not to. i try not to think back of all the progress i've made. all the babysteps i've taken toward functionality, because truth be told, i'm still a long way away from it.

sure i get through the day, but sometimes i'm amazed and wonder how.

i started this new plan this week:

contentment in action.

no more complaining. no more lamenting the way things are. just dealing with it and moving forward. ever asking,

how can i please you husband?

this has been noticed. and appreciated. if only i could make it part of my life.

i told my husband,

i'm ready for a full-blown backslide.

because daily mass was on tv and the priest said,

and God says...

and i said,

i don't want to hear it.

and muted it.

that, right there was probably the answer to all my woes, but i didn't listen. though if i had listened, it would have been some long meaningless passage from chronicles. which would have affected me not at all.

but i'm left wondering,

what would God have said?

who knows. the point here being, He's talking all the time. and sometimes when we think we could be ready for a full-blown backslide, others think we're all ready fully backslidden.

this has probably often been the case with me. and i wonder. if i am not perceived as serving God now, when i clearly am, what hope have i? does it all hang on perceptions of me and my walk with God? or is there some finality in actually being a child of God and loving him with my whole heart.

even though friends tell me i'm "not fully committed."

then i never will be,

i say. because i don't know how to commit any more of my heart, soul, life to God than i have now. i've done it all as i understand it.

but i haven't lost the fetters of secularism. because i enjoy them. i have taken up some of the old things because they speak to me more than the approved things of the church.

i don't claim to understand any of it.

my husband would like me to share with him as i do so liberally here. so honestly here. and i shall try. which will either result in a resurgence of trust between us or me like a powderkeg ready to blow.

communication has never been our strong suit. so to try to make it the only outlet for my great angst, is, well, dangerous. i'd say.

but i'm game. i'll try anything once. maybe even twice.

being a "good" wife is something i've long wanted to try. guess i'll give it a shot.