why bother?

sometimes i wonder why i go to church at all. it seems so devoid of power. a puppet of what it was meant to be. a sham. a facade. all those things i despise.

but today was different.

mind you, i've just come off a conversation with a dear soul who was horribly neglected and abused by the church. the same body of Christ of which i am a part. so i try not to hold my issues against the whole body, but when one member suffers, we all do. (i hold their shortcomings and sin against myself as well. do not think for a moment, i think i'm all that. one of the things i miss most about my daily prayer routine is the confession of sin. and the nicene creed. profession of faith. first of all, liturgy does not dick around --sorry about that-- with, did you sin, search your heart, if you mighta sinned. no, they come right out and say it. i have sinned. that gives me comfort. i was in the habit of confessing my sin daily. i'm aware of it, but to confess it, to express it outwardly is an entirely different experience for me. most of the churches i came from were so emphatic about being pure, living right, doing good, that i felt the need to deny or ignore my sins. legitimize them somehow. cover them up. not so with liturgy. it says, clear as day, i have sinned. fallen short. yes, that is what i miss about it).

so i get there early and from the start the organ (an unfavorite instrument), is resounding. really filling the place, from the rafters to the floorboards. i lay my head down and pray. kneeling enshrouded by my black covering.

the music helped me enter into that place of communion. repentence. silence before God. strange how an instrument can convey silence, but it's not noise. it's worship. it's not clatter and confusion, but praise. entirely different sounds than fill my week that's for sure. so i let the music waft me away to the throne of God.

the procession starts and we stand to sing a hymn.

the congregation is sounding good. everyone seems to be singing from their diaphram (doesn't that word have a g in it somewhere?). even the warblers were warbling for all their worth. we sounded good. it really changes the service when everyone sings.

instead of just muttering through a hymn, we bellowed it out. it was just gorgeous.

the organ is not meant to be played delicately and softly. i believe it in concert with the voices of those who are ringing out are matched and create such a beautiful sound that is why i haven't liked it. it's been played by grandmas all my life. i've not heard the organ rocked out by a young soul. (not that the aged can't rock out, i'm just saying, i haven't heard it).

the organist is leaving today for university where he will study organ. (go figure, didn't know anyone did that, but apparently they do).

so he played those hymns, all of them, through like a champ.

the congregation awarded him with a complete set of bach (three different versions) scores. and they are celebrating his departure now. me being the weird type slipped out early.

but when we go through the liturgy and said it, we were all together. one voice. one profession. one body. it was glorious.

that is why i bother.

i am trapped in my world all week long. but the church, when she is firing on all six cylinders, she is a force to be reckoned with. i wrote a poem about it but you have to be an intimate to read it. that's just the way it is.

peace.