death becomes her

went to a funeral yesterday. a lady i washed dishes with when i first arrived here in ny. she drew a crowd. the church was packed and hot. as i sat there all tacky and uncomfortable, i thought, but this is life. mostly tacky and uncomfortable. punctuated with moments of great love and kindness. i went to honor the memory of her kindness to me. hoping i would honor others with the same kindness she lavished on me. remembering someone's name is a big deal.

i am certain that any kindness is an act of God. i remember this woman would greet me by name each week. we'd kneel around the altar to have communion. the greater number of church members at this parish are over sixty. as far up as 90. still getting around. but kneeling at the altar yesterday, i looked around at the faces of those dear saints who knelt beside me as that woman had. and it was just a moment of realizing the fleeting nature of life. one moment here, the next gone. knocking on heaven's door (by guns 'n' roses) is playing as i write. curious.

the difficulty of the past few weeks seems to have turned with my attitude. i have decided to stop focusing on the problems, the shortcomings, and focus on what i can constructively do to thrive. to embrace joy. to experience life, today. since this is where i'm at.

i've thoroughly evaluated all aspects of my situation and know well the problems. i will now take a new approach, instead of lamenting, i will say,

what can i do to please you husband?

i will again become servant. lover. friend. to the one i have given my whole life to.

i was watching metallica's some kind of monster yesterday, and james hetfield said,

being sober and paying attention to life is exciting. more exciting than anything drinking or partying provided. (my paraphrase)

he also said,

the way i learned how to love things is to choke them to death. don't leave.

how many times i've heard myself say the same things. i guess that is why their new album blows my doors off. it's honest. raw. metallica on the road to healing. very nice.

i said to a friend in the course of this latest darkness,

if i survive myself, i'll be fine.

going to a funeral puts the finality of death in a different frame of reference. it is no pretty ideal. it is an ugly and sometimes cruel surprise. for those who are left behind weep and mourn. though the funeral yesterday was a celebration of a life, it was very encouraging and life affirming, there was still weeping. much weeping.

life, it seems, is precious. remember that. remind me of that. and i shall remind you.