dull aches

the dull ache of a headache is threatening me again, i've only been up about an hour today, the rest of the time in a haze of drug induced slumber. seems i'm fighting off something that would take me out. but i cannot sleep, though i try.

fitful rest is no rest at all. and i have stared down the sun too many times, eyes blurry and nearly blind i wonder if i can see at all. if i've ever seen at all.

i believe in hope and love (not little dogs)
these are the very things friends counsel me against.

they watch my zigzagging path around graves and wonder when i'll accept the facts.

the facts have never been what they are, in my mind.

but i am tired now, and restless.

uncertain and wanting to see again, just when i feel my eyes have failed me.

these moments when it boils down to my inability to exert my will, my vain attempts at changing my life, my grandiose ideas of my future

these are the moments i want to fade away into a dream, walk off the set and be no more here.

but i am here. and there are at least two people who would miss me.
i know what it means to grieve, i know how they would struggle for every breath

so they keep me here.

all this from a cold. it's good i don't get sick often.
but i'm tired and want a rest, yet resting does this to me.

when i'm moving at the speed of light and hardly have time to think, i merely function. i am reduced to survival. that is how i've navigated this year, mostly, survival.

but i will have to slow down. have to feel again.
have to reenter my life and i watch the exits go by
faster than i can react and think, next time. maybe next time.

meanwhile, i try to be present to the two who need me most
and let the rest settle itself.