a feast of crumbs

the sadness of my life o'erruns it's bounds tonight, and i can't keep it in. i'm sorry. i don't mean to be toxic, it just seems that i am in this season. perhaps in more seasons than i imagine. i don't know why or how anyone could read what i write and not feel anything but sadness.

but this is only a moment in time. i will not be sad always. it can't rain always i've been told and i try to believe it.

tomorrow, the family will go feast at a friend's (their friend's), and i'll stay home alone. it won't be the first time spending turkey day alone, i often do. i just cannot hold a smile for strangers at length anymore.

i would rather be alone and feast on crumbs.

not sure what i'll do. i may not even get out of bed, but if the mood strikes me, i may go for a long walk. there was a stream i once liked to visit. maybe there.

not sure.

there is no comfort to be found, that's the thing.
i'm essentially inconsolable, which is why i avoid people lately.

they say it gets easier, but my dealings with grief prove it only gets harder for the first year.

work is my life raft, and before i fell apart today i called my old stomping ground and asked if they needed help, which they did. i was glad to oblige.

but the place is still off and i need to get away from there, but how? and if it serves to get me out of my pool of tears perhaps the personal dramas are worth it.

i don't know.

i just don't know.

i'm tired now, so i will end this lament, but my breadcrumb trail is stale and i grow weary of so little to feast on. only heartache.