easier now

it has gotten so much easier, my job, my stint in hell. perhaps it's the perspective of leaving, that makes me appreciate what time i have left. what few challenges there are for me to master. perhaps, it's just the relief of moving on.

so much there is not right. and i can't fix any of it. all i can do is my small part, being faithful with the measure i was given. and tonight i felt successful in that small way. my small part played, and played well.

i'm slacking in school. there are so many deadlines in my mind, so much to do. i seem to never have a moment just to be. but i arranged it this way, to alleviate my malaise. i could not cry anymore. i could not think of all i've lost anymore, i had to move forward and start believing for the future.

and so i do.

my daughter and i talk a lot about what is to come. it will certainly involve horses. one way or another, i will make that happen for her. i'm not sure how, but i've never been sure how. and it has always worked itself out.

she's smitten of horses.

when we hit turbulence, the thing that gets me through is the morbid thought: what a way to go out. such glory.

but i couldn't say that to her. so we hit some rough patches and i had her name all the animals at the ranch where she takes lessons.

she told me the names and tempraments of the cats and horses, the assorted livestock that people the place. i'm not sure she knows the names of the people who actually work there, but they are necessary evils in her mind.

something else to focus on. that is the key to getting through the hard spots.

so i've focused my mind as much as possible on pueblo nations. right now i'm reading a book on the pottery of the pueblos, as well as the day lifestyle of the peoples.

i feel so removed from them. i've not grown up with any native traditions other than story telling. my grams told me stories every night at dinner. stories i couldn't figure out, but many of them were captured in women who run with wolves.

i wanted a sand dollar when i walked the california beach. i figure it isn't too much to ask of a soveriegn god to slam a whole sand dollar on a rock laden beach for me to find. but i found none.

instead i found a small necklace of fishline, made when i was a very small baby, with the name "suzy" on it. my childhood handle. this, was in my grams' jewelry which we were sorting through to determine what we'd keep and what we'd part with.

i kept more than i should, probably, but it was grams' stuff.

and i've untangled the small baby necklace and have it hanging here beside me. reminding me of one who loved me more than any. a good thing to be reminded of. i have felt so far from love. so far from the lifegiving force that makes living worthwhile.

that is why i focus my mind on other things. so i don't focus on what i've lost, or what is absent.

i've spent enough time in tears, it's time to move forward.

whatever that means. i'm not entirely sure.
but the steps come easier now, though not without longing.

and i wish for one to make it all make sense to me.
and i would gladly welcome that one home.

i see it in my mind. how it will happen.
and i long for it to come.

any day now...