leaving for good

so, i signed on the dotted line at the new job today. start the day i leave hell.

this will be heaven by comparison.

remind me, when i piss and moan, this is heaven.

i don't know that everyone feels so secluded in their own reality as i do. that every mistake is tragedy and every triumph elation. but this is how it is with me. i don't know how else to be.

the bird feathers and seed got so thick in my kitchen i had to do something about it, this is the child's job, but she neglects her right and true duties. and i take them up. when i am so tired and have so much to do.

i tell her repeatedly,

this is easier than horses. how can you own horses if you can't keep parakeets and a rabbit clean, fed, and watered?

she fails to see the logic of this, but i insist she try.

meanwhile the sailor in me is coming out and i'm trying to be a "good" mom, if there ever was such a thing, she surely weren't me. but my girl is used to my tirades and just keeps shirking her duties.

she did clean her room though, because i laid down the law.

but i'm so tired. i have so much to do.

and the hubby now complains that he's "tired" of paying for everything.

what the hell is that about?

this is the same man who told me to quit my job when i got pregnant. stay home, raise our child.

now, because he's tired, everything changes?

my working fulltime would put my child in public school, she does not want to go. (i can't blame her, her deal is pretty sweet).

but i can't get into my industry (editing) without my bachelor's so that buys me another year. one year more. uno mas.

then, we'll see what the cards hold.

walking down the beach in cali, i told god,

i don't believe in you anymore.

he didn't say anything.

the honesty of that place for me though, was what mattered.

i'll grapple with my faith some more. and the christian friends i still have will try to persuade me that i'm wrong. i'll try to persuade them that i'm fine.

but the questions are undeniable.

i've lost everything this year. that my faith would end up a wreck was not hard to foresee.

that i'm still having these conversations with god, as it were, is proof to my dear athiest friend (who says i shouldn't be an atheist until i can spell the word), that i'm not completely down on god.

who knows.

i know nothing anymore. anything i claimed to once know, i hereby foresake.

i've lost it all and i don't see any of it returning anytime soon.