so much i want to say

but this will have to do. i miss you. do you hear me? i miss you.

it seems all i ever want now is some shred of hope, but hope in what?

i don't even know that i know.

i'm leaving my work in three days (on saturday) and starting my new job the same day. i'm sad and excited at the same time.

i've made a habit of leaving. i've said this all before. now it is no different. as i sat in the backroom eating lunch today, the difficulties we face, the mean customers, the kind customers, the laughter, the cameraderie, i'll miss it all.

but i know i must go.

there comes a time with me when i feel the fullness of the season.

things die all the time, times change. but that doesn't necessarily signify anything.

i'm watching a lot of things in my life wither, but it is not necessarily time for them to die off. and i'm not looking to hack off limbs before their time.

though i want to, at times, be done with anything smacking of death. so tired of it am i. but something in me feels, just a bit longer. one more day.

that is how i've made it this long, one day at a time.

the tasks at hand are almost too numerous to count (in fact, they are). i move mostly by deadlines. my calendar is my greatest ally in this race that has become my life, but i needed it this way. i was languishing on the vine.

now, i'm scrambling.

but i'm also trying not to neglect my right and true soulwork.

editing is that work. it is the thing that i put my hand to, like a master gardener and it flourishes.

that damn orchid my husband bought for me when we arrived here is still living, despite a long season of neglect. that has more to do with the strength of the plant than any ability in me to nurture a thing.

i'm sure of it.

i saw it tonight and waved hello. still with me.
though i can't imagine why.

sometimes, i want to hold on, to stop. to be steady and keep the scarcely familiar (though horribly unworkable) known as opposed to diving into the great unknown.

my friend told me this recently when i was considering staying at my lifesucking job.

but no, i knew it was a different motivation entirely.

i just wanted to be where the memories are rich, and the place that has helped me survive. though it is time for more than survival. i know this.

the season is upon me when i must make choices to thrive. i have all my options open. all my roads are ripe with possibility, it's just a matter of asking, what do i really want?

and moving in that direction.

i tell my girl this often,

we must ever move in the direction of our dreams.

she listens. i tell her,

it's not my bookshop, not my coffeeshop i'll be working at, but it is one step closer.

i'm grateful for where i've been. for all i've learned.
for the companions i've picked up along the way.

today i didn't feel quite so lonely, like i might actually have friends on this planet.

but, friends rejoice when we move toward our dreams.

and this is my greatest challenge for these dear souls i love.
will they rejoice with me, even if i leave them?

or will they curse my departure and divorce any knowledge of me?

i cannot say, no one can say how another will receive our pursuing our dreams.

but it is not their dream we pursue. it is ours alone.

so i saw two hawks today. how i needed that.
and i'm not certain of anything more than yesterday, except that today
i feel loved. and grateful.

tomorrow can only get better.