worth

has always been a big issue with me.

i've never really believed in my own value.

it's coming down to dollars and cents now. leaving my lifesucking job was the first in a line (of hopefully) good life affirming choices.

went in to work one day and there is always shit to do as soon as you walk in the door at that place. one day, i got on a conference call (which is a huge waste of time but it makes the higher ups feel like they are doing something--besides wasting our time, i'm not sure what they accomplish with those things), and i forget to clock in until after the call.

i asked my (new) manager via post-it, and verbally, to please amend the punch.

found the note trashed, and thought, perhaps she did it.

went and looked (i do have those privliges), and nope. she didn't. ignored my request completely.

it's not like i was late and not working and wanted the time, i was there AND working, just forgot to clock in before the call.

wrote another post-it, and i'm not sure if she ever did it, so i printed out the punch to make sure i could go back and find it directly.

i've asked another manager, my so-called friend to help me figure it out, this from a girl who spends tons of time making sure her hours are right, and i've been put off and put off, until finally last night i was told,

you're going to have to go through the paperwork.

it's not about the 15 minutes anymore for me

it's about doing what you are supposed to do and taking care of your workers.

if she never amended the punch, she robbed me of 15 minutes, deliberately.

if someone will short you 15 minutes, they'll short you in other ways.

that, is why i'm leaving.

crazy management.

we become like those we surround ourselves with, i believe that. which is why, if i ever hope to be a manager with compassion and integrity, i have to get the hell out of dodge now.

explaining this to another manager, she didn't get it.

the other people i work with get it. and though they hate to see me go and tell me every time i see them, they are not guilting me into staying.

i must go.

now, what is freedom worth?

if i said, $300/hr was the price of freedom, is it something i'd be willing to pay?

if i don't pay now monetarily, what will that cost me personally? emotionally?

my greatest fear is that i won't think i'm worth the money. that i'll just continue taking the shit i've taken all along because i think it is the best i can do.

that is such a lie.

crazy management is not to be tolerated.

and when i stop preferring my self, my integrity, my own dignity, then i've become a crazy manager of my own life.

i could view it another way. that i am paying myself $300/hr for freedom.

then, perhaps i could suffer the blow and not want to resign myself to status quo.

if the universe truly does meet our needs, the money isn't an issue.

peace.