hearing me

today, i spent the better part of it alone. well, mostly. a lot of cyber contact which doesn't really count. but the moments stretched out in the sun, were rich with words. i could hear so many refrains i know to be the beginnings of poems. so many paths i need to walk down, i just lay there and heard them.

at class tonight we discussed how connected my best friend is energically, and i am that connected emotionally. it is not easy to be a live emotional wire. it is like being plugged in to a nuclear reactor, being the nuclear reactor. and sometimes, i just have to let off the steam. to vent the pressure building.

today was a more relaxing vent, no freaking out, just feeling it congeal into words that will become something someday.

i can't explain this. my process. i know i need to, to articulate it. to show people the how of what i do. but it's so much about being alive. being alove is what i wrote first. alove. i like that hybrid. alove. i spend a lot of time alove. i hope to spend equally as much time alive. not sure if i do.

alive is difficult. alive is painful. alive is confusing. alive is uncertainty embodied. alive is trial and error, for me, mostly error. but we stumble on and try some more. that is what alive is to me.

i don't have any answers. as metallica sang for me today,

no i don't know the answer. i don't even know what the question is.

how much i spend my life in that place. careening. i do a lot of that. it's the leap first aspect of my being.

and the powerful woman, the six armed, the devil woman stirs.

and i stand, open armed, saying,

come. and welcome.

it's time. time for me to speak these things. i hear them, whispers on the edges of my consciousness. i hope they scream from the page when i finally write them down.