afeared

sometimes fear sideswipes me. it happened last night. i was gripped by fear and could not find a way out.

sometimes, writing is a great way to get it off me and on to the page. sometimes, reading, to redirect my mind. sometimes, talking to a friend, no one was home last night (i tried). sometimes, reading email (had none. i delete everything immediately after reading it, so a big plump juicy 0 waited for me at my inbox).

nothing soothed, nothing came to distract. nothing.

i could hear my mom in my head saying, rebuke it. (she says that a lot.)

i could hear even my good intentions justifying my inability to rebuke it.

it was only until i sat and talked with my husband, read him the actual words i'd leaked on the page that the fear subsided. we didn't solve any riddles. we are still unemployed. but somehow, his entering into my world with conversation and even muting the TV (what a joy that is!), somehow that did it.

he hopes to have work next week. i hope he has work next week. but today, we are trusting in the unseen hand to guide us. the unseen protector to protect us. and i am trusting that when i get scared, God is just waiting for me to settle back into His arms of love. this time, my husband bore them. and i am grateful for that.