genuinely disliked.

some part of me wishes leaving didn't involve saying goodbye. i know i will see those that matter again, in this life or the next. it is just hard. my best friend was telling me, new york is a different world (she grew up in jersey). she said,

here they act friendly even if they don't like you but it doesn't mean anything.

i said,

that is why i had such trouble here.

she said,

there, they act like they don't like you and they mean it.

i'm from LA, i understand this. it has taken me a long time to adjust to the disingenuous friendliness, because being from LA, they genuinely didn't like you either. i'm so looking forward to being genuinely disliked. i'd rather have that any day than fake kindness. or feigned interest. i've no ability to tell the sheep from the goats then. they all act so nice.

if i had known this last bit of wisdom while still here, it would have grieved me. i had opted out of many fakey friendly encounters but hadn't known why. ah, the mysteries of the universe are being solved.

i'd rather people deal with me honestly. if you don't like me, don't act like you do. the umph won't be there anyway, and you'll save me a great deal of trouble and bewilderment because i won't understand. you see, i'd rather be alone than around fake friends.

but deny me those who love me with genuine love, and i would likely die. i hadn't realized what a truly blessed woman i am. until now.