walk it out

one thing that strikes me about the men who have gone before and left works, like merton, for example. his gifting of words did not exactly jive with his monastic vocation. but he walked it out, regardless.

same for van Gogh, he walked out his talent because he had to. not because it was a get rich quick scheme. and he died unknown. talent unheralded.

there are so many others who find this to be the case. and yet, i hear talk of how to do things to garner fame and make a big splash. i'm not sure that is the right goal. it makes sense, sure, i want to be paid for what i write too. but i don't know that not being paid is such a bad thing.

it gets me in a lot of trouble, this ministry approach to writing. when i don't charge for things, my husband feels i am being taken advantage of. but i don't see it that way. God has so mercifully, so consistently cleared my account of sin, of ingratitude, has lavished mercy, freedom, compassion on me. if i have a gift, i have to give it. i just have to.

yes, i would like to be paid. of course i'd like to be paid. but it won't kill me if i'm not. i trust God for the resouces i need. not man. i trust God for the promotion i "deserve," not man. (i bless the God of Heaven for not giving me what i "deserve" but giving me only what i deserve through Christ.)

one of my dear friends said to me,

the editors hold our publication future don't they?

i said,

no. they don't.

but i can see why they say that. i'm a fool not to believe that. not to bend over backwards to do everything right. i'm probably more of a headache to my editor than a blessing. which is something i work on constantly to right.

i believe if God is in something, He will make a way where there is no way. if God is not in something, it ain't gonna happen, unless i make it happen.

i'm not about making things happen anymore. i'm willing to go down to dust with my small circle of friends and being unknown. if that is the course the Lord has chosen for me. in the meantime, i'm laboring in obscurity to be faithful with the talents God has given me. this naturally results in improving them. it makes sense to me that if i am faithful to improve my small talent, God will be faithful to move if He feels so inclined. not because i deserve it, or want it bad enough, or ask enough times, but because He loves me and it is time. the harvest of my heart is ripe, and there is something to feed hungry souls.

the rest of it does not matter to me. i've not gone one day without food, nor one day without shelter. if some come in the future, i'll look to the feeder of all men, the shelterer of all men for my sustenance. not to my resume or man.

this living apart is both easy and difficult. because i have to remember always, it is not whether i do good one day (as at camp this weekend, i failed miserably in terms of performance). but i met obligations and tried. with the scant interpersonal resources i seemingly possess, i tried. the failure can be attributed to my ungraciousness, but God is still faithful, my ungraciousness not withstanding.

i don't know how it all works out in the end. but i know how it will work out today. because i've seen it over and over in the past. i will yield to the Spirit and pray for the best. the rest, is up to God.