when my Grams died, i had to keep moving forward. i had to grieve, but i also had a then two-year-old who needed to be fed, changed, nurtured. she, more than anyone, required my presence. and i fought my desire to drift away in grief, so i would remain present to her. with her.
she is well cared for. she is with a dear friend. i know this. i must trust this. i awoke this morning in tears, overwrought.
almost as soon as i walked in the house yesterday, i fell apart. overtired. overstressed. undone.
i even read my bible in 3d. i read it online for prayer, but the law written on my heart and mind is what i contemplate. the indelible ink of the Lord, is what i feast upon. the Living Word.
there is a line from shakespeare in love where mr. henslow, speaking to mr. ferryman (the money) says,
the nature of the acting business is one of insurmountable odds on the road to imminent disaster.
what do we do?
nothing. strangely enough, all turns out well.
how does it?
it's a mystery.
that scene is the story of my life. trusting the mystery. embracing the unknowing. resting in the palm of His hand, knowing it to be the only place of certainty, safety.
being found by my dear friend from high school has revealed something to me, the losing touch with those i love, the not knowing if they are even alive (i'm so dramatic), leaves these vast reservoirs of doubt. or had left these vast reservoirs. i question the stickyness of God sometimes, because i have been left, not by the will of my friends in many cases, but by life. we are all left. people must keep moving forward. soon i leave some of the people dearest to my soul, but i do not abandon them.
though they no longer have the consolation of my tangible presence, they have my love. they have always had my love. and they always will. it is thus with God. i must trust it. i must understand, there is a promised land ahead and i must go forward.
come then, go with me.
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