comfortably uncomfortable

i have spent a great deal of time of late talking to the Lord about these besetting fears. my uncertainties, my doubts. He's very straigtforward in His answer. and very clear that i am where i am supposed to be. this comforts me little, you see, for i am very uncomfortable.

Papa, i'm lonely,

i say

I am with you.

He repies.

Papa, i'm scared

I am with you.

Papa, i don't know what to do next.

just the next thing.

He reminds me.

it's almost dinner, make dinner.

i can do that.

sleep comes to me, and i rise.

Good morning, Papa. i'm scared.

I am with you.

always this, I am with you bit. no tangible comforts. no hand holding friend to get me through. just Him. just His presence. just the certainty of knowing who He is.

reading merton he says,

we have to know we don't know God.

i don't know God. for all my familiarity. for all my sensitivity. i've no clue who or what this God of Heaven will do or say next. i think that is where my fears come in. i'd just like to know (but then i wouldn't). if someone told me the things that were revealed to the apostles about their (grim) futures, i wouldn't want to have to muster the courage to face knowing. rather, embrace unknowing. i read somewhere, probably merton,

the only way we can know God is through unknowing.

yes. deep down in me i understand this.

does it make it feel any less like a free fall through God's grace? absolutely not. i'm uncertain every day. i'm questioning every day. but when i fix my eyes on Papa, i'm able to do the next thing. just the very next thing.

editing five chapters of a book are the next thing on my plate, and i can do those, one chapter at a time.

i get lost in all the big talk about positive confession and name it and claim it, because God is not my dumbwaiter. He is not my errand boy. He is everything to me, but not anything i can boss about.

i'm tired of unknowing. i'd give anything for a little certainty, or at least i say i would and it comes right down to it and i like not knowing. i like letting Him be Sovereign. i'm tired of trying to fix everything i break and mend every wound i inflict. sometimes it takes a true Physician and i must accept my limitations.

i'm finding joy this year, remember. that is what my resolution was. i have often wondered if using the phrasing "finding" automatically puts me in this roll of hunter and joy is eluding me. like i have to track it and shoot it and bring it home dead, stuff it and mount it on my wall.

that is not the kind of joy i am to embrace, i'm sure of it. i think the kind of joy i am to find is hidden in the next thing. just the very next thing. when i am faithful to that thing, it can then be found in the next next thing.

be about the mundane,

i hear Him say.

yes. i will try.

just do the next thing. and remember, I am with you.