negating authority

there are many times when i intentionally contradict myself. many times when i simply lay out the fact that i am unable to produce satisfactory documentation for much of anything i do. one person whose opinion i value very much essentially said,

don't negate your authority.

this has come to mean a great many things in my life. not the least of which have to do with my husband.

i have a dear poet friend who is married to his best friend. how does this happen? how does one marry their best friend? and if we're all ready married, can we still become best friends? am i asking too much?

i had hoped that marrying my best friend would be the case for me, as i am sure all premarrieds hope that to be the case. but the actuality of it is something more difficult. something that comes about in the living. so last night i greeted my husband with an enthusiastic welcome home, nearly tackling him as he walked in the door. i can at least do as much as fido, eh? he laughed.

how can i be your best friend?

i asked him.

he didn't say anything. but i understood, cooking was part of the answer. you know my issues with cooking. but i must try. make a concerted effort.

i have begun asking myself,

how can he be my best friend?

certainly it is not by joining me for all things poetic. he has no inclination in that area. he's an engineer. he tolerates my poetry, but asking more is, well, asking too much probably.

he has lavished all manner of gift upon me since we've come to new york. the latest a gorgeous orchid whose unfurling tendrils look like tiny purple claws. gorgeous. i hope i don't kill it. i kill most plants, which is why cut flowers are so nice. they're all ready doomed. if i can prolong their lives it is a triumph. house plants are entirely the opposite though and in short order i dispatch them.

we went to a funeral a year and a half ago. took a plant we couldn't kill. well, we killed it. or i killed it. the following year we returned for the companion funeral to our uncle's death--his wife, and my daughter ratted me out, that i had killed the unkillable plant. they entrusted me with another doomed plant, which i similarly dispatched in short order.

this not negating my authority business really speaks to me. by not entrusting my husband with my deepest fears and questions, am i not in some small way negating my authority? my best friend pointed this out to me the other day.

so i am making a concerted effort to appreciate what i have all around me. my husband, my daughter. the abundant provision he lavishes on us, and the selfless way he encourages me to be the poet i am.

will i start attending car shows, likely not. will he start reciting poetry, no. but we will, by virtue of our openness to one another make a place in the innermost circles of our lives for each other. that open access i have always wished him to want on his own, will be laid out for him, like a checkered picnic blanket. he can come and go as he pleases. and i will hopefully not negate my authority any longer.