disqualified

i have recognized a pattern in my life. many times when the good, the bounty, the feast is spread before me in the presence of mine enemies, i have thought myself unworthy and disqualified myself from these many graces.

sabatoging self, i would wander away into exile prompted by the voices that told me i was not good enough. i'm not listening to those voices anymore. i had a friend who laid himself down for me and showed me the Love of Christ, the Heart of Christ toward me. i cannot disqualify myself any longer as it is not my worthiness these feasts and bounty hinge upon. but Christ's.

understand, i always knew this in my head. i spoke these words with great fervor. i thought them true. but i did not believe them to the depths of my soul. i did not live them out. it took a great act of God on my behalf to rouse me from my waking slumber. it took a great act of selfless courage on the part of a dear friend to love me to life. it took a great many trials to finally rend me from my doubts of worthiness. i could not cling to them any more, for i believe myself to be, finally, truly loved. the beloved.

the old almost quaint movie, pretty woman, has a line in it which has rung true my entire life,

the bad stuff is easier to believe.

but now i'm wondering, why is it? why is it easier to believe i am not qualified for the good the Lord longs to lavish upon me? why am i not qualified to recieve the gifts of abundant provision? why am i so afraid of bounty?

there have been times when i've not wanted for material goods, but they never satisfied. those were seasons of great woundedness, and i guess the two are forever linked in my mind. so for me to get around this particular road block, i'm going to need new eyes, new ears, new senses. a new understanding. i will not walk away from the promised land.

but i am also reminded there are foreign gods here, and i must not bend the knee. this warning echoed throughout the pages of scripture, was echoed in real time by a friend. this mythic journey, this metaphoric path i'm on can lead me away from the faith. do i understand this? yes, i do. but i also understand this, He is able to keep that which i've entrusted to Him. His ability to keep is greater than my ability to wander. His ability to redeem, greater than my ability to sell my soul into slavery. His ability to find, greater than my ability to get lost.

His eye has never been off me. His hand, never far from mine. His ear, ever attentive to my cries. i don't understand it. i really don't. in all my wandering, in all my seeking wholeness, in all my wounded disqualification of myself from every good and perfect gift, He found a way to weave the chaos into beauty, the tattered threads into garments of praise.

so when i go to this next place of honor, and stand before poets of great stature, i will at long last be adorned in robes of righeousness, face shining, standing in the power of Truth. for so long have i been sojourning to this place, i will not turn away from it now. His ability to keep me, is greater than my ability to be lost.