i'm outta here kids

my sister is a genius. she said,

why don't you got get the ren faire tickets so you can go to the ascension service.

why didn't i think of that???

so i drove off in a hurry, to get the tickets, got lost, found, and back on track (i get lost a lot. i have the excuse that i'm in a new place. but i get lost a lot), picked up another stack of books at the library, and am licking my chops at the small mountain i have before me. the thing about the roads out here is, if you miss your turn, it might be miles before you get to turn around. i threw a u-ie in a bad way and got off bear mountain the quickest way i could. fortunately, that worked out.

i can see Christ off, symbollicaly, then find my unhurried way to the wenches and pirates, belly dancers, and bards all in a dusty conglomeration of marketing meant to represent something which was once a very fertile breeding ground for literature and art.

i am quivering with delight at what lies ahead. so much to rejoice about. so much to leap into. so many dreams coming to fulfillment.

i am reminded that we have only a short time here. a brief life and must make the best of it. i just want to know people i love know i love them. i want actually enjoy my daughter's remaining years at home. i want to serve my husband and be his soul mate. (this idea of being his best friend is really pie in the sky. maybe this soul mate business is too. but i can try to be the woman i am with him. i realized, best friend is a title of honor i give to my closest, dearest friends. it does not mean joined at the hip, laughing at all the same jokes, it means they are there for me and i am there for them. through the years. over decades some of them now. so i bequeath this title of honor upon my husband, promising to be there through the years.)

it is always about the people for me. i am a romantic this way. i don't care much for formulas or science, i just want to hold your hand and be your friend. i'm listening to zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance on a very old tape from the library. so it sounds like wookie in some parts, but i got the gist of it.

i have believed so many things to be true, so many ways i could measure myself, worldly standards all, that mean i don't measure up. but i'm trying to throw those standards out and trust. trust that i have a purpose in this life and today is just the beginning of fulfilling that purpose. i am in this body of believers for some reason, i am in touch with certain people by design. there are no accidents. there is no question, it all goes together, i have only to follow my heart.

but my heart loveth much and gets wounded. and when that happens, i say,

do i continue to risk it?

and every time the answer is yes. this is what i'm here for. to be present.

as i write this, my husband has just left for work and i am engrossed in my world of symbol. it is not perfect, but it doesn't have to be. i can try and fail, and hopefully receive the grace needed to try again (from those i fail, not from God, His grace is assured).

so it is a trust walk. and i walk out in faith. sometimes i forget myself, but then God is faithful to remind me of who i am and what my purpose is. sometimes i get angry and frustrated, but God is nearby. i don't understand any of it. how it can be so good and found myself saying to a friend,

i've got another chance to make it right.

you can't.

she said.

you can only control your responses.

yeah. so if you know me, i'll likely wound you, and you will likely wound me. but i've come to understand that is how it is. and with much grace and forgiveness, we'll be friends until we cross over into forever. at least that is my hope.