rough roads traversed

my work has become increasingly sensual. i don't foresee this changing. it is who i am. today on ma, i've posted a poem i wrote about poetry. i've wanted to say a great many things about poetry, but i'll let the poems do the talking. sometimes, my prose is just too intuitive and it were better it were a poem.

i've begun a new poetry series on the songs of the traditional church. i am told this sensual aspect is as old as the church essentially. it will likely never change that it is something many people want to avoid, yet a eunic religion is not any fun either.

i'm not saying everyone need be whacked out on sensuality, i'm just saying it is part of where i'm at. i won't be afraid to be where i am at, i never have been. so this, will be whatever it will be. amen.

my friend called the other day and commented that she wished she had a relationship with her sister like i have with mine. i do tell a great many stories about my sister because more than anyone she is in my life every day in an active way. she and i do talk on the phone for hours (horrible the days when my phone bill was $300/month), but we've since found ways to accomodate it. cell phones and whatnot.

but let me tell you this, which if you know me you may know all ready.

there was a time my sister and i had such a falling out that we said to each other,

i don't like you. if i wasn't your sister, i wouldn't be your friend.

the feeling was mutual. we let it ride for a while. i think in that particular time period we went through six months without talking. a record for sure. but having acknowledged our vast limitations. our inability to create a sister we'd "like" we dealt with it and moved on.

blood makes all the difference i guess. if i said that to a friend, i would likely not be that person's friend. although, i have come to crossroads with dear friends, my best friens, on many occassions (usually once per relationship). the successful navigation of said crossroads is what determined they were actually best friend material.

sitting across the table from my second-longest best friend, we discussed not being friends any longer.

it's just too hard.

and we both agreed. we let it ride and dealt with it. we are still friends. she still calls me on her way home through the seven hills of seattle, just to check in. she is a pianist. a musician who helps nurture the artist within me more than many in my life. even though infrequent our calls now, we return to the deep level of trust whenever we talk. no barriers, no bars, no holding back. truth be told, i am this way with many of my friends, but the best friends, always without question have the right to call me out in accountability.

i realize, not everyone has been blessed thus, and some have been blessed far more to have their best friend in their spouse. it's real hit or miss for me on that one. i've been missing a lot lately. but i keep trying. i think relationship is more about trying, about perseverance, about renewing trust than anything. i will let you down, i understand this. one woman says,

i will fail you. we serve a jealous God.

that is essentially what i've come to understand. He will not be usurped. or set in the back seat for long. He must first be your best Friend, then all other relationships come into alignment. slowly. not without great difficulty, but they will.