poquito por poquito

i can hear my grams saying that to me even as i write it.

poquito por poquito, mija.

little by little, my little girl. she had a way of breaking through all my defenses. a way of calling me home to myself when i wandered away lost. i have missed her these many long years she has been gone. and just today i sat down and worked through the elephant families poem i read at the open mic last thursday. little did i know how that reading would bless me this night.

i'm too tired to go into it all, but suffice it to say (and visit the master's artist today if you want to read what i wrote in the throes of excitement), i've been invited to my first intensive poetic weekend with a major poet.

i'm weeping even now. i'm blessing the God of heaven for every last struggle that has gotten me to this point. my sister and i were discussing this just today,

those things that look like curses in our lives, God uses those too.

she said.

but i don't always want to listen, sometimes it is hard to believe. sometimes, i'm just tired and want to weep and curl up in a ball. or be held by my beloved. sometimes the world is just too big and i am just a little girl.

i mentioned this to my sister,

when am i just going to grow up all ready, i'm so tired of being afraid.

i'm tired of being in recovery.

i told her. (she listens well.)

we discussed goal setting too. and i lean so heavily upon the will of God, that sometimes i think it is a major flaw. a major drawback to getting on with life. but i keep being asked by don potter,

are you willing to lay it all down and never be in charge again?

are you willing?

are you willing?

and like a knucklehead i keep answering yes. because i am. i really am. i'm tired of being a lowsy sovereign. i need God like you can't imagine. i need Him to release me from my percieved bondage, so i can bloom all ready. i think i'm straining my eyes looking for fruit, blossoms, any signs of life. but i'm not seeing any. thank God for people like my dear friends who point the stuff they see out to me, because i can't see it.

remember dear soul, little by little. my grams knows.