three am

i've been awake for a while. i was packing all day today (well, much of the day). one part of it i just turned the foos off and stretched out flat and listened to silence for a while. did no thing, just was. been a long time since i've done that.

but in my opening of boxes which have been packed since we arrived, i unearthed a goddess i had lost. a little clay goddess i bought in college. i used to have her on the piano beside me when i played in texas, sometimes on the keys, sometimes on the wood surround. she was there, a ripe little figure of breasts and hips and hair. she comforts me somehow.

and i'd lost her.

digging through what i hoped would be nothing of dear import, i found her, and my heart leapt. she had been tucked away with several other important things, and now i have her back. curious, the timing of things.

so i've been packing and trying not to want anything, but then come across my daughter's first (or one of the first) tiny dresses, which i hang with a tiny slip that she wore under it. how could anyone leave that? and so it goes, the photo albums of her smiles as a baby. she has had a happy childhood, and i would do it all again, every bit of it.

though now, i'm much engaged elsewhere, it has been worth it, every bit.

i realize how children can distract us from what troubles us, and perhaps if we kept having kids, i wouldn't have had time to think about the trials of marriage. perhaps. i don't know.

but i'm going to live by myself for the first time. and this thought excites me in many ways. i won't be off on my own, and that is a comfort, but under the sheltered gaze of those who care. and i'm grateful for this.

i have been trying to live by principals larger than my own. which sounds strange seeing how i've essentially abandoned religion. but i don't know that religion is what i need right now. i was telling a friend, how i had to essentially divorce god in this time, to move forward. the paralells of that idea did not go by unnoticed.

it is what it is kids.

i don't know how it will turn out, but i trust it will all be well.